Out shopping for appropriate wedding

Out shopping for appropriate wedding apparel for CC and me for Angel's long awaited wedding next weekend.

Friday, March 30, 2007 - Brief

Friday, March 30, 2007

Life has gotten better from where it was and my spirits have lifted as often as they have descended, so there is some semblance of balance, I suppose.
Wednesday and today were Physical Therapy days and I have been progressing there, which is very cool in my book. Definite work out and closely monitored work out, at that.
Tuesday night and Wednesday nights saw the full body chills happen again. Tuesday night the chills happened while I was sleeping; a first to my knowledge and very disconcerting to awaken to I can tell you. Wednesday night’s chills happened as I was getting into bed and my feet and legs went under the cool covers and “boom”, it was on. CC quickly got the heating pad and turned it on and placed it under my shaking feet and held them there against the pad while it heated up.
Potassium has been staying between 3.8 and 4.0, so I’ve taken some K+ pills in the past couple days and have noticed a difference immediately (about 20 minutes or so) following taking them.
Tuesday was particularly brutal at one point as I was over come by a orrific and deep fear that I was not going to see my kids and wife again, but after about 30 minutes that feeling passed, but not before it caused me incredible stress and worry. Way hard and strange. I’ve been reading more scripture in the past couple days as well as well as walking Annie each day to keep the PT going. Always with the cane at my side.

Angel’s wedding is next weekend so we are gearing up for that while figuring out our living situation for the next year plus (huge life change as a result of my situation)

More tonight or maybe tomorrow if family activities will permit.

I miss my friends at work; Rob, Darrell, Geoff, Scott & Les, Carl & Madoli and everyone else.
*sigh*

peace

Tuesday March 27, 2007

Tuesday March 27, 2007

It’s now 8:02 AM and my K+ is 3.8.
Hot/cold symptoms were especially prominent yesterday evening, so much so that I remained in bed from before dinner time to try to maintain some consistent balance of body temp. it didn’t work very well; I still dealt with being very cold to touch and yet sweating like I was in a sauna. Add foot shocks to that and you have the very definition of discomfort. In case I haven’t delved into explaining what foot shocks are, here you go:
Back in late ’95, October to be precise, I broke my lower back (L5 in 3 places/pieces) while working in a warehouse and ended up having 2 surgeries; one in ’96 to fuse the L5/S1 location by putting some metal plates in my back and then one in ’97 to remove the metal plates and subsequently check the fusion. The promise from the surgeons was that they would do their best. In deed, they did their best and the fusion was successful however the pain I was experiencing was not bone pain (any longer) but was now just nerve damage from the break and then from the surgeries. One of the symptoms of pain was something I called “shocks”, sometimes in my right foot. These “shocks” are like mini electrocutions of certain areas; in this case, they are in my right foot, near the right side of the bottom of my right foot. They last anywhere from milliseconds to a full 2 or 3 seconds in duration and my life stops each moment they hit. They are between painful and incredibly uncomfortable. I’ve dealt with these on occasion, ever since the surgery; when they explained that I would likely have nerve damage for the remainder of my life and that they would happen as the nerves sound off due to who knows what trigger. They began last night again, but this time, not just one for the night, but increasing from one an hour from around 4 PM to 10:30 PM when they were happening nearly every few minutes making it terribly difficult to sleep. They are now about every 30 to 90 seconds and are vicious.
So now, to try to figure out why. Are they due to diet? Are they due to K+ levels? Are they due to my physical therapy? Is it simply my turn to suffer like a wounded dog? I don’t have a fricken clue. Another night of little to no sleep because every minute or so, I feel like someone sticks a cattle prod on the right side of my right foot. It’s got nothing to do with foot position or body position, because they happen regardless of my physical location and position; lying down, sitting, reclined, standing walking.

Stop. Listening to Michael W. Smith’s “Missing Person” and I’m having my ass kicked again, this time from the inside out. Damn! Can’t a guy catch a break? God used this same tune back on May 3 of 1998 when I had strayed far to far from “Home”. My anger, pain and bitterness simply made a haven for themselves within me and I lost all joy…like now.
I wish I had a sanctuary. A place I could just be. A place to cry and scream and think and sob and survive without being internally alone. My headphones are the only privacy, sanctuary I get now. My home has no comfort.
It’s like I’ve hidden from this song. I used to have the lyrics of it up on my office wall as a reminder. But I’ve forgotten.
The foot shocks have ceased as if they can’t be in the same place as me now.
How does He know? Why the hell does He care?
Just like Him to do something while I’m writing. Anger and bitterness are so, so toxic; they eat away the very fabric of joy and happiness; so slowly, so deliberately.
Am I infested; infected by a disease? Still? Perhaps. But it doesn’t matter much to me now, in this moment. The rest of the day will be new now.
Here are the lyrics to MWS’s “Missing Person”:

“Missing Person”
Another question in me
One for the powers that be
Its got me thrown and so
I put on my poker face

And try to figure it out
This undeniable doubt
A common occurrence
Feeling so out of place

Guarded and cynical now
Cant help but wondering how
My heart evolved into a
Rock beating inside of me

So I reel, such a stoic ordeal
Where’s that feeling that I don’t feel?

Chorus:
There was a boy who had the faith to move a mountain
And like a child he would believe without a reason
Without a trace he disappeared into the void and
I’ve been searching for that missing person

Under a lavender moon
So many thoughts consume me
Who dimmed that glowing light
That once burned so bright in me
Is this a radical phase
A problematical age
That keeps me running
From all that I used to be

Is there a way to return
Is there a way to unlearn
That carnal knowledge
That’s chipping away at my soul

Have I been gone too long
Will I ever find my way home?

Chorus:
There was a boy who had the faith to move a mountain
And like a child he would believe without a reason
Without a trace he disappeared into the void and
I’ve been searching for that missing person
He used to want to try to walk the straight and narrow
He had a fire and he could feel it in the marrow
Its been a long time and I haven’t seen him lately but
I’ve been searching for that missing person

for that missing person
for that missing person
for that missing person

- ooohs -

Ending Chorus:
There was a boy who had the faith to move a mountain
And like a child he would believe without a reason
Without a trace he disappeared into the void and
I’ve been searching…
He used to want to try to walk the straight and narrow
He had a fire and he could feel it in the marrow
Its been a long time and I haven’t seen him lately but
I’ve been searching for that missing person

Where are you? Where are you?
Where are you? Where are you?
I’ve been searching (Where are you?)
For that person (Where are you?)
Where are you?
__________________________

9:17 AM - It’s the end of the song that hurts more than other parts, though the other parts are locked on site.
Hearing Him call out “Where are you?” though the voice of another. Just like he did nearly 9 years ago.
Maybe this isn’t for anyone but me, but then maybe it is, so I’ll leave it in and post it like I have the rest of my thoughts, feelings and realizations. I’ve repeated the song several times now in some sort of cleansing routine, playing it then his version of Agnus Dei (I believe he wrote it, actually).
I was set up. I just realized it. The songs “I” picked for the morning were, in order: “Tea and Sympathy” by Jars of Clay, “Hey You, It’s Me!” by Michael W. Smith, “Missing Person” by Michael W. Smith and then finally “Agnus Dei” by Michael W. Smith.
Music is the freeway to the soul and spirit; at least within me.
The shocks have stopped.
Completely.
Explain that to me and try NOT to include God into the equation. You’ll fail.

To make my point, here are the 4 song’s lyrics in order so you might read them all the way through see what I mean by a spiritual set up:

Lyrics to “Tea and Sympathy”

Fare thee well
Trade in all our words for tea and sympathy
Wonder why we tried, for things that could never be
Play our hearts lament, like an unrehearsed symphony
Not intend
To leave this castle full of empty rooms
Our love the captive in the tower never rescued
And all the victory songs
Seem to be playing out of tune

But it's not the way
That it has to be
Don't trade our love for tea and sympathy
'Cause it's not the way
That it has to be

You begin
And all your words fall to the floor and break like china cups
And the waitress grabs a broom and tries to sweep them up
I reach for my tea and slowly drink in

[Chorus:]
'Cause it's not the way
That it has to be
Don't trade our love for tea and sympathy
'Cause it's not the way
That it has to be
Don't trade our love for tea and sympathy
So fare thee well
Words the bag of leaves that fill my head
I could taste the bitterness and call the waitress instead
She holds the answer, smiles and asks one teaspoon or two

[Chorus x 2]
Don't trade us for tea and sympathy
Don't trade us for tea and Sympathy
We can work it out
Don't trade us for tea and Sympathy
Don't trade us for tea and Sympathy
We can work it outDon't trade us for tea and Sympathy
We can work it out
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lyrics to “Hey You, It’s Me”

Hey you
Things to do
Live the life for faith and family
It’s tough
With all that stuff
Filling your head

We know
The undertow
Could get us so we don’t remember, but
Lest we ever
Lest we ever forget

Hey you, it’s me
True lovers are we
Children under the sun
Two spirits in the name of one

Hey me
Got to be
Places to go and people there to see
No space
For back to base
And no time at all

We talk
Walk the walk
Run the race
And climb the ladder, but
If we ever
If we ever should fall

Hey you, it’s me
True lovers are we
Children under the sun
Two spirits in the name of one

Bridge:
Sometimes the smoke clears
And I see things how they are
I see how we have come so far
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Missing Person”

Another question in me
One for the powers that be
Its got me thrown and so
I put on my poker face

And try to figure it out
This undeniable doubt
A common occurrence
Feeling so out of place

Guarded and cynical now
Cant help but wondering how
My heart evolved into a
Rock beating inside of me

So I reel, such a stoic ordeal
Where’s that feeling that I don’t feel?

Chorus:
There was a boy who had the faith to move a mountain
And like a child he would believe without a reason
Without a trace he disappeared into the void and
I’ve been searching for that missing person

Under a lavender moon
So many thoughts consume me
Who dimmed that glowing light
That once burned so bright in me
Is this a radical phase
A problematical age
That keeps me running
From all that I used to be

Is there a way to return
Is there a way to unlearn
That carnal knowledge
That’s chipping away at my soul

Have I been gone too long
Will I ever find my way home?

Chorus:
There was a boy who had the faith to move a mountain
And like a child he would believe without a reason
Without a trace he disappeared into the void and
I’ve been searching for that missing person
He used to want to try to walk the straight and narrow
He had a fire and he could feel it in the marrow
Its been a long time and I haven’t seen him lately but
I’ve been searching for that missing person...
for that missing person
for that missing person
for that missing person
- ooohs -

Ending Chorus:
There was a boy who had the faith to move a mountain
And like a child he would believe without a reason
Without a trace he disappeared into the void and
I’ve been searching…
He used to want to try to walk the straight and narrow
He had a fire and he could feel it in the marrow
Its been a long time and I haven’t seen him lately but
I’ve been searching for that missing person

Where are you? Where are you?
Where are you? Where are you?
I’ve been searching (Where are you?)
For that person (Where are you?)
Where are you?
____________________________________________________

“Agnus Dei” (Live version)

Alleluia, alleluia
For the lord God almighty reigns
Alleluia, alleluia
For the lord God almighty reigns
Alleluia

Holy, holy are you lord God almighty
Worthy is the lamb
Worthy is the lamb
You are holy, holy are you lord God almighty
Worthy is the lamb
Worthy is the lamb
Amen

-repeats in various orders-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What will the rest of the day hold?

Some shocks just now returned (10:14 AM)...the reprieve was a blessing while it was mine.

I’m done for now.
-w

Sunday, March 25, 2007 - Continued…

Sunday, March 25, 2007
Continued…

On the way home from lunch today, after attending the 10:30 service at New Life Community, I found a CD with worship music on it and put it in. Jars of Clay began and the second track on the CD was also Jars tune, but this one was their tune called “Flood” and once again, as typical for me, I was impacted by a revelation, again, and this time it was from the lyric in the song ”…to keep me from drowning again…”. It became an instant reminder that we will often die some each day, like the metaphor for death by drowning in our troubles, sorrows, depressions, angers, drugs, etc. In a way, it conveys His grace that we will dies some each day and that we can reach out to Him for new life again…that it doesn’t have to be final if we reach. If we call. Check out the lyrics in complete form:

"Flood"

[Verse 1]
Rain, rain on my face
It hasn't stopped raining for days
My world is a flood
Slowly I become one with the mud

[Chorus:]
But if I can't swim after forty days
and my mind is crushed by the thrashing waves
Lift me up so high that I cannot fall
Lift me up
Lift me up - when I'm falling
Lift me up - I'm weak and I'm dying
Lift me up - I need you to hold me
Lift me up - Keep me from drowning again

[Verse 2]
Downpour on my soul
Splashing in the ocean, I'm losing control
Dark sky all around
I can't feel my feet touching the ground
[Chorus]

[Bridge]
Calm the storms that drench my eyes
Dry the streams still flowing
Cast down all the waves of sin
And guilt that overthrow me

[Ending Chorus]
Lift me up - when I'm falling
Lift me up - I'm weak and I'm dying
Lift me up - I need you to hold me
Lift me up - Keep me from drowning again

Me?
Once again, in the midst of my current overwhelming trials and stresses, God reminds me, using the lyrics from another’s pen, that He DOES know and He DOES care and He has allowed others to experience such hells as the ones I am experiencing. This song encapsulates my daily emotional ride, nearly each day. I don’t write this from some kind of relationship expectancy, wherein I want someone to feel what I feel or think what I think and thus relate to me and thusly feel some pity, but write it to vent it, to illustrate it, to visualize it and clearly identify it and then ultimately master it, whatever it may have been at the beginning. If you followed that, bravo…I think I did too.
God gives words to writers in order to have them write of those who can’t and or won’t or simply are unable to articulate their emotional state. In this case, the author of “Flood” knew the depths of his/her (I’m pretty certain it’s a him, though) despair and was able to write rhythmically and poetically in such a way that music could then provide the divine vehicle to bring the message to those who need to hear it, even several years after it was penned.

I am the chorus.
Verses 1 and 2 are also painfully accurate.
Stress levels feel like they are at flood warning levels every day now.

Notes on the service from this morning.
Missy wasn’t ready to leave in time for us to be there on time, so since the church is close to home, CC drove her mom, Joshy and me to the church as we went in and then CC went back home to pick up the finishing Missy and then head back to the church.
They kept the doors closed being that the previous service had not come to a conclusion at the time that we had arrived, so the three of us waited outside the sanctuary, in the lobby area, for the doors to open. Once they opened, we entered the room and sat about half way forward, center area; a location that I thought would make it easier for CC to find me, which she did.
The worship time was actually split between the beginning of the service and the end of the service with the message in the middle and prayer and worship following the message. The volume for the worship was very workable, but the room and system EQ was painfully EAW (their sound system cabinet manufacturer), upper mid-rangey without a full bottom end and much lower mid frequencies. I was instantly distracted and mentally trying to problem-solve. Bummer.
The pastor then got up and proved to be very dynamic but apparently without the use of a compressor at his disposal. He distorted when he got loud and excited and he got loud when he could have stayed at a nominal level. It was painful to go through the process of listening to him straight through the system. Again, completely distracted even though I tried to stay focused on his message. Certainly a couple cool things were that he used a music video which lyrically tied dead on with his message; he used dynamic lighting (turning off/on the house lighting, no fades) on the stage as well and used a monologue voice-over in a dramatic moment with a bedroom staging. He used video background clips within the message as he addressed location visuals to his advantage, but the video loops were more clips instead of loops. For definition purposes, a video clip has a definitive beginning, middle and end, even if they seem attached to each other, where as a loop will have nearly identical beginning and end with a consistent middle, so that the loop can be repeated once or more without the viewer noticing the transition between the end of the clip and the beginning of the clip. They used clips which abruptly restarted when they had reached their short end.
Joshy was distracted and bored all service long, regardless of the multimedia usage. Missy was very emotional and cried most of the service through, cuddling into her mom while I held a wiggly 7 year old boy. CC, who I think locked on with Missy’s emotional location, shared with me her feelings on Missy’s state, which is that Missy will likely continue to be unhappy as long as she is not locked into a stronger relationship with her God and it is our responsibility to help her locate her spiritual home, so to speak. By that I mean that CC and I must locate the church that God now wants us to be at and then get the kids plugged in there so that they can begin to grow spiritually. I believe, as does CC, that Missy’s in a very formative time right now and is very emotionally and spiritually aware that she has been starving for her relationship with God, but unable to verbalize it. CC saw it, though.
The hunt is on. We must find the church we are to be at, then find a home near it and then locate the school they should be at; especially if it means that we are going to be moving away from Citrus Heights. Time to lock it down and think bigger and more accurately about what we need to do.
I have come to the point where I am wondering, maybe God has brought on this disease to re-focus and repurpose me and my family.
If so, so be it.
Prayers for less pain are greatly appreciated.

Oh, and also...
Oh, and also, I ran into a couple of the college guys from FOP that I had worked with a bit while there and I’m hoping to have lunches with each of the two gents this coming week. Really neat guys who have a heart for ministering with Media Technologies and that’s just cool.

Oh yeah, as a matter of fact, I’m going to remove the Prayer website since it does not appear to be of any real blessing to anyone, and I will just continue to use my blogs (here) to ask for prayers for me or my family and friends.
The Zambia Chronicles will remain since they are static and simply another journal from another time and not something to keep current.
I’m over due on the pics blog and will add some more before the next couple of days pass, I hope.
peace

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Sunday, March 25, 2007

So, I’m done ranting about Kaiser again…Like it makes a difference, you know?
CC emailed the doc, whose nurse called us and he didn’t recognize the frustration from CC’s email and thus didn’t really respond to it other then indicating that his calendar had us scheduled for some reason.
Whatever.

Friday:
Friday was fishing day for Darrell and me and I even came out of the entire day (5:00 AM to 2:00 PM) with rainbow trout! Very cool. I was using bait, Power Bait (floating) with a 3’ leader from the weight and we were up at Skunk Hollow.
I cannot begin to express how good it was to just go fishing, even just from the shore instead of boat, and especially with a close buddy who I can be real with and not coat my thoughts and words with. I managed the whole time out with him with no cane until around 2ish when the body kicked back in to weak-mode. After I got home, my body communicated its displeasure with me for having been out so long walking without a cane and navigating rocks and hills. By night time I could barely walk. You would think that I would have the following day to recuperate, but in my zeal from the day’s fishing, I offered to take Joshy fishing the next morning…yeah…not much “thinking through” going on at that point.

Saturday:
The next morning came and I was preparing to take Joshy after I taught a guitar lesson, but the lesson cancelled so we went a bit earlier than planned, though I could barely walk. A promise is a promise and pain is to be endured.
Joshy and I went to Hazel and the dam, near 50 and Hazel and I took the truck out on the rocks and drove all the way to the water’s edge…just because I could in a truck of that size…and because I doubt I could have walked it if my life had really depended on it…Joshy and I played around with the water; he didn’t have the patience to cast and wait nor the skill yet for shore casting in rocks with a lure. I put a non-hooked frog lure on a line and he wanted to be in the water and see if he could catch the lure as I cast it out and reeled it back in. It became a game for him and he had a great time doing it. We were out there for probably 3 or 4 hours and then called it quits and I came back home and got on the bed to recoup. He said he had a great time and I kept my promise with little more pain than I began with. He said he was somewhat disappointed that we didn’t catch any fish and I explained that we would have had to actually fish in order to catch any…he understood the dilemma in that very moment. *bing* light bulb went on…

Sunday (today):
This morning we are going to New Life Community Church (AOG) located at the corning of Sunset Ave. and Fair Oaks Blvd. Looks like we are all going and the services are at 10:30 and then again at 6:00 PM tonight. It’s 9:53 AM and we should make this one on time. This was the church we were going to go to back at the time change when I forgot to change the home clocks…oh yeah…that one.

Time to finish getting ready.
peace

Cont.3 We are also pissed

Cont.3
We are also pissed off by her accusations and attitude and considering all with Kaiser right now, we won't accept it

Cont.2 From what we could

Cont.2
From what we could tell, her name is Anita or Onita. Both CC and I are nearly speechless by this woman's attitude.

Cont. so now I have

Cont.
so now I have to write an email in complaint of her attitude and rude disposition to correct this kind of garbage...

We just took a call

We just took a call from one of my doc's nurses ACCUSING us of no-showing an appt. yesterday. She was rude and misinformed.

Thursday morning, March 22, 2007

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Yesterday was an interesting day, all in all, with the only real drama being that my mother in law, Nana, apparently decided that she wasn’t going to speak to me and didn’t until about 2:30ish, which was just before CC was going to return with the kids from school. Head games. Anybody want ‘me? I don’t. I said to her, around 9:00ish in the morning that I was noting that she was pretty quiet this morning and she quipped “Well, I guess I don’t feel like talking or something like that.” And, from there, it was done. She didn't talk to me after that until just about when CC came home. It's too small of a house to play the slient game. Bleh.

Besides that rendition of a small-town drama, the two really cool parts of the day came around noon when David from work, came and picked me up for a lunch at Friday’s. and then around 5:00 when (Pastor) Josh Flood and his family came over for grilled salmon and grilled chicken dinner and we had a great time. As for lunch, I really enjoyed just hanging with David without the trappings of the offices and campus and to spend time with him in that environment has always been more enjoyable to time spent on campus where the everyday pressures are more than evident and inescapable for me. I had some quality time with David, which I haven’t had in several months and I have truly missed.
As for our time with the Floods, I told CC that I felt like an idiot that I hadn’t asked them over years ago when I first met him. “Late off the ball and tending to regret” is me, in a nutshell. Besides the evident regret of history missed, I really enjoyed his company and the company of his bride and children who were spot-on well behaved, which I feel shows more about the parents than the children. We only had, like, 3 hours with them, but it was a condensed 3 hours and really fun, filled with quite a bit of laughter and story telling from all of us. Dinner was grilled salmon (no marinade, just some melted butter once plated) and chicken that had a short marinade of Newman’s Balsamic Vinaigrette and ½ a clove of freshly minced garlic. I though the chicken ended up more garlic-y than I had hoped for, but CC felt it was fine, so I’m adopting her opinion as my own and shutting up about it.

I’ve been emailing back and forth with some friends of old, as of lately and I’ll share more on them later today, if I get back here in plenty of convenient time. This morning, though, CC has to drop her mom off someplace for something (helpful, aren’t I?) and I’m going to go with her so we can simply be together. The only real time during the day when we can be together and have a remotely free conversation, is when we are in the car together, driving to or from something. Other than that, we don’t have much privacy at all and cannot even carry on adult conversations for fear of either the kids or her mom participating and becoming opinionated regarding or in the conversation.
This has to change. Patience is running out.

Speaking of running out, I have to go-
See ya.
peace