Grrr....Time to get caught up

Monday, December 15, 2008

I feel like a schmo for not having gotten back to this before now. And, even now, I am writing from the downstairs computer due to convenience of access and emergence of thought, instead of collecting and organizing my thoughts and then heading upstairs to sit in the office and write from there.

Before getting to more home-oriented and personal life focused sharing, I must comment on a couple things that were "news-worthy" as of this morning's Associated Press and New York Times. Don't ask me why I was reading the New York Times...I have no good reason other than simply following page links which caught my eye. Anyway...
...in an article by Peter Baker of the New York Times called "Acid Test: The Lasting Effects of Political Poison", Published: December 13, 2008, wrote a nearly 1,300 word perspective of comparisons between Clinton's 1998 impeachment proceedings and Obama's intentional, immediate distancing of himself and his cabinet from the governor of Illinois Rod Blagojevich scandal.

How are these two comparable? Because Obama has hired on 3 of Clinton's former team from that time period, each of whom went through the fire with Clinton and "learned", as a result, how to initiate damage control at the first outbreak of insinuated impropriety, whether legitimate (as in Clinton's case, though Bake downplays the severity of Clinton's betrayal of Office and moral confidence) or speculated (as in Obama's situation with Blagojevich). In the latter situation, Baker makes sure to note that "Even though Mr. Obama had no known personal involvement, the Clinton veterans understood that was only part of the issue. They had Mr. Obama publicly declare he had never spoken with Gov. Rod R. Blagojevich about the Senate appointment. They imposed a cone of silence on colleagues so they would not make a remark that could come back to haunt them. And they ordered an internal inquiry to document any contacts with the governor’s advisers." The dust hasn't nearly settled and the American public does not have many of the facts regarding the Blagojevich situation, but even the press has begun its campaign to make sure that all readers understand that Obama is completely innocent of any wrongdoing, well before there is any conclusion. Do I think Obama has any responsibility in the whole deal or is involved in any way? I have no clue and would not begin to say one way or another, but apparently Mr. Baker of the NYT knows better and wants his readers to understand from the outset that Obama is clean regarding this mess. Damage control before admission of knowledge of possible improprieties, as instructed by former Clinton advisers who are considered battle-ready political warriors, due to their "service" with a president who I consider to be shameful and boastfully dishonest. Baker notes in the beginning of his article that Clinton was acquitted by the senate, which I read as saying he was found not guilty of wrong-doing, but then later he states “the Senate fell short of the two-thirds needed for conviction. Mr. Clinton was later found in contempt of court by a federal judge and, in his last hours in office, cut a deal with federal prosecutors admitting he did not tell the truth under oath and accepting disbarment.” He wasn’t found innocent; he was not convicted because not enough politicians voted to have him impeached. Not only did he break the law and then get away with it because he was the president, he now gets paid millions of millions of dollars on the lecture circuit, partly due to his notoriety as a blemished public figure of interest…not that I have an opinion or anything like that…I wouldn’t want you to think I have strong feelings about a topic like this, you know… Bleh.
I guess where I am going with this tirade is that I’m greatly bothered that the writer intentionally drew comparisons of Clinton’s actual and in my opinion, appropriate impeachment to theoretical impeachment “rumors” of Bush, due to his foreign policies and to Republicans wanting revenge for Clinton’s acquittal so they are aiming at Obama over the Blagojevich situation. According to Baker, it seems likely that Obama is being held to account for Clinton’s acquitted sins by the Republicans, not because he might actually be connected to Blagojevich, indirectly or directly.
I’m not sure if I made my point or not…

The other “bone of contention” is a bit briefer. On Sunday, while in Iraq, President Bush had to duck after an Iraqi reporter threw his shoes at the President, one at a time. The President was rather quick in dodging the shoes and the Secret Service pounced on the reporter within seconds of the attack. As I read the article, it seemed to be written with an air towards being understanding of the reporter who threw his shoes instead of condemning anyone who would throw anything at a president. The reporter’s employer has demanded the release of the reporter stating that he was utilizing his “freedom of expression” and that he should be allowed to do so. The writer could have shaded the article towards condemning attacking someone by throwing his shoes (which in fact, is one of the most severe Arabic expressions of hatred and loathing, to throw one’s shoe at another or something) or what damage was done to now trusting Arabic reporters in news conferences or anything of the sort, but instead, it read to me as if it was some how understandable and even culturally appropriate, considering the current state of Iraqi politics with the US. The first quote noted to be from an Iraqi citizen is “‘He [George Bush] deserves to be hit with 100, not just one or two shoes. Who wants him to come here?’ said a man in Baghdad. “At least the writer did include the following quote from another Iraqi citizen; "I think this incident is unnecessary, to be honest. That was a press conference, not a war. If someone wants to express his opinion he should do so in the proper manner, not this way."
In no way could this behavior be considered “appropriate” or “acceptable” or excusable. Apparently Human Rights organizations are trying to monitor this result very closely to make sure the reporter’s rights are not violated while in custody. In and of itself, that is not a bad thing, but to note it and highlight it in this article, alludes to the suggestion that it is probable that his rights will/are being violated and that the responsibility for those rights infringements will also be laid at the current President’s feet, as if it is his fault.
Okay, I think I’m done with my current frustrations on those two topics.

Now, as to life here and medical realities and such…It seems that I have been able to go for longer stretches of time without suffering attacks, during the winter months than during the summer months. I think I went nearly 17 days without an attack over the past few weeks, which is a true blessing, yet weird to write at the same time. Life should not be filled with muscular attacks of any kind, but if I’m going to have to contend with them, then I’d like them to be few and far between.
The last two attacks were opposites of each other; the first was a result of “running” down the stairs of my home and running outside through the garage to defend a neighbor from two pit/boxer dogs who were attacking her. The dogs had fled by the time I could get outside with my club so I followed down the street in the direction they fled, but to no avail. It was then, as I was walking back up towards the small group of neighbors who had gathered due to hearing the screaming of the woman being attacked, that I realized how cold it was out there and also how angry I was in the moment. I was furious that these two dogs were out of their yard, free to “pack up” against anyone they choose and that the apparently got away with it without receiving any discipline for their viciousness…it makes me angry just thinking about it. ANYWAY, after joining up with the collection of neighbors and beginning to talk amongst ourselves, I began to feel my lower back tighten up and begin to spasm. As I focused on what exactly was beginning to happen, my legs began to lock, which is the sign that I will soon lose my ability to remain upright. It was then that CC asked me if I was alright. I was able to shake my head “no” and she called to Missy (the kids had come outside, following CC who had chased after me, apparently) to help get me back inside before another issue was begun in the street. CC got me upstairs and into bed just as the attack hit fully and the rest of that story is more or less, just pain and not unusual. I couldn’t walk much the following day and remained in bed until the day after that when I began to be able to walk again.

The next attack was a paralytic attack last Friday evening. I was on the couch watching “Horton Hears a Who” with Missy and became aware at the end of the movie that I could not move from the position I had been laying in. When I tried to speak, my mouth seemed to move, I think, but my vocal chords didn’t. I was somewhat able to move my head in answers to CC’s questions but by far, the paralysis attacks come with more fear simply because I am completely conscious but unable to control my body. Both types of attacks bring resulting pain with them but the pains are of differing intensities, for the most part. I think the paralysis attacks result in more severe pain because they are purely being affected by the rapid, unexpected exchange of potassium in the muscles instead of the muscle workouts they get from the spasms themselves.

During the recovery process from an attack, people who know that I am recovering from them often ask how I’m feeling or how I’m doing, and the temptation is for me to be brutally honest and answer their questions directly, but I know that the majority of folks are primarily wanting to convey their awareness to my plight and that they care how I’m doing, rather than wanting to actually know how I am feeling in that moment and in general at the time of the question. I don’t see this as a negative in any way; I see this as my responsibility to correctly judge the nature of the question by the person and answer accordingly, so as to not find myself sharing more than expected or necessary, so to speak. I think, in general, that most folks wish to simply greet one another not engaging in conversation, but instead find themselves asking someone “How are you?” or “How are you doing?” or “Hey, you doin’ okay?” which invite the recipient to greet and express their current *condition* with the greeter, which may not have been what the greeter really wanted to know. I went through this a lot back when I was recovering from my back surgeries and while I was recovering from taking myself of prescribed pain meds. I was a very angry man during those years and I was pretty medicated in that time too, which had masked the physical and emotional pain of that time until I took myself off the meds which meant, not only was I now feeling the real physical pain from the back surgery (I had broken my back) but I was also unable to escape the emotional and cerebral pain anymore and I had to come to grips with both simultaneously. Not some of my better years of life, I must confess. I digressed into this because it was during that time that I would hold people responsible for the questions they would ask, advertently or inadvertently, so that when they asked how I was, I would ask them if they really wanted to know that or did they just want to be polite and say “Hi” and get on with their life. Now, I’m no where near that mindset (I do thank God for deliverance from that mindset), but I do find it necessary to internally determine, as best I can, the motives of the person asking so I don’t end up sharing more than they probably or actually want to know. That can be difficult at times and it is honest to say that it certainly was easier when I was angry with everyone, to simply call everyone on the carpet for the intent of their greetings rather than being responsible for my own perceptions. If I was to have an extending thought regarding this, I guess it would be to maybe keep that in mind when you greet someone and they don’t respond in the manner you might be expecting; perhaps there’s more going on inside them and the social discerning filter within their brain or heart may be clogged with pain and suffering or even just broken from one kind of abuse or another. Who knows? With all that being said, PLEASE know that I am not being critical of ANYONE asking how I am doing and I GREATLY appreciate everyone's concern. This was just a tangent thought that I felt like including and is in no way me trying to convey anything other than that thought.

So, “How are you, Wade?” I am doing alright and able to walk alright today. That’s the best qualification I can give at this point. I’m not stuck in bed nor am I needing someone to watch over me 24x7 right now, so I must be doing pretty well considering what all could be happening.

Okay, so let’s see…I’ve shared that we’ve learned HKPP and me seem to do better in the winter months than during the summer months. I’ve learned that if I am furious and I run down the stairs and it is cold/brisk outside, that I have triggered my own attack by combining stress, physical exertion and cold air with me. We are pretty certain that the deli sandwich I had while watching the movie with Missy was likely too high in sodium and thus triggered the paralysis attack, so, I have to be more diligent on my food choices. I’ve learned that lack of bodily rest and sleep creates a potentially volatile platform for HKPP attacks; in that something that would not ordinarily trigger an attack, might just be the key stimulating factor to kick in an attack if I am low on rest and/or sleep. I’ve learned that I can have a surgical procedure without it triggering an attack; something that we expected to be the opposite. CC said that the South Sac Kaiser OR team was excellent in the pre and care of me before, during and after the oral surgery on my teeth. Why not just go to the dentist’s office? Why choose to be “put under” to take care of fillings and crowns? In short, HKPP. The disease prevents my body from responding to the majority of dental anesthetics and throughout my life, from childhood through my 30’s, dentists simply believed that I was being over-reactive and dramatic to their dental work, unaware and unaccepting that the numbing medicines they were giving me, were not taking affect and thus the dental work they did, for the most part, I was able to feel, hear, smell and taste but was unable to escape. This created a loathing within me for dental work and made it very hard for me to follow up on, for obvious reasons. The use of nitrous oxide in combination with some of the numbing meds would temporarily work but would almost always have other side effects and typically trigger attacks after I got home (only we didn’t know I had HKPP back then, so the attacks were not affiliated with the dental visit, though the resulting extreme pain and exhaustion was). Once we learned that I am dealing with HKPP, most ALL dental factors and concerns were realized and questions answered. We learned that I need a certain kind of numbing med without epinephrine as well as another additive agent, but we also learned that I have gotten to the point that my stress level jumps when I enter a dental office and that the two previous dental visits to my previous dentist resulted in attacks in the dental chair, something that completely freaked out the dental staff and has resulted in their not wanting to…um…have me come back…? I’m not very welcome there anymore, which is fine, all things considered. We did connect with a dentist who has Kaiser OR privileges so that in one “visit” with him in the operating room, several fillings and several crowns can be addressed…and, yes, I had several fillings and several crown that needed addressing. A normal dental visit is between 45 minutes and 90 minutes, typically. My dentist spent nearly 6 hours with me while I was completely out and got a ton of stuff accomplished that would have taken several visits and likely resulted in several attacks and possibly even some ambulance rides and hospital stays, so, though stupid expensive, it was the only way we could do it. I’m likely to have to have a couple of root canals due to a couple of teeth being continually sensitive now, and that is not something I’m looking forward to, but we’ll see what our options are for that and see about getting it done soon; I hate only being able to chew in one small part of my mouth! Grrrr….

Let’s see…oh yeah, my laptop hard drive died without giving notice and took 70% of it’s belongings with it. That was infuriating to say the least. My cuz was able to retrieve about 30% of the drive, including most of My Documents and about 50% of My Pictures. Fortunately, I had all of my MP3s and Mpegs on my external drive so they were not at risk, but for reasons I cannot understand, I did not set up the scheduler for the back up drive, so I did not have a current back up to work from. Losing use of the computer for two weeks took me out of the loop technologically and resulted in further getting behind on here and not keeping very up to date on Facebook too. I’m doing well enough today to type (which is what I’ve been doing now downstairs for the past 3 hours…) but for the most part, I would use my dictation software to post my blog and such and I lost that installation with the crash as well as the verb usage parameters and custom dictionary and voice recognition settings that had been created and tweaked over the past several months making it easier and easier to use the software; now I get to begin again from the start, my own fault for not having set up the back up scheduler.
Yet another Grrrrrr.

Last night we went to FOPC’s Christmas program which included a really beautiful selection of musical works and arrangements, full choir with a few soloists as well as an orchestra under Dr. Chris Alford’s direction. Chris did a great job and the final product was worth waiting for. Naturally, Chris had Rob in the booth along with Greg, Robert, Scott and Leslie and maybe Chris Patterson too, though I don’t know for sure, though I did get to see her while. I cannot begin to express how blessed i was to, once again, be able to see my friends in the booth and my friends from the platform, especially. I miss each of them greatly and appreciate them all the more. Sara and Chris did incredible works last night and it will not be something I will forget, simply due to the blessing of the efforts involved, the circumstance and conditions as well.

Well, this brings us up to speed for the most part. I hope not to become so behind again.

Peace-