Friday Late Morning

Friday, October 16, 2008

Thursday morning, around 4:45 AM, I took a hit of chills, or better said, my upper body became cold to the point that I went into muscle spasms that wracked my whole body for 15 minutes or so, I'm not sure. It destroyed me. When I managed to get out of bed, around 8:00 AM, I could barely walk without assistance. By 9:00, I was reasonably mobile and waiting my my bud Josh to come and pick me up and take me to my PT appt. that morning at 9:30. He came right on time and away we went to PT where I was very tender and sore, though Mark noted that my muscles were doing pretty well, considering what had happened 4+ hours previous.
After leaving, we went to Walgreens to buy another cane for me; my existing cane was falling apart so it was time for another one and to allow Joshy to use my old one as another rifle/machine gun for him...you know how it goes....

The day passed with me being tender and sore but manageable. I resolved myself to take Annie for a walk around the circle and I was able to do that while riding in the chair. As a matter of fact, ANYTIME I note that I "took Annie for a walk..." or mention something to that effect, simply know that it means that I rode in my motorized chair while holding onto her leash, in some manner or fashion or one of the kids, parents or friends went with me and may have walked her on foot.
So be it.

Anyway, we came back from our walk in decent shape and I rested thereafter, upstairs on my bed.
I ended up taking a deep nap during that time and when CC woke me up around 6 pm, I thought it was the next morning...took me a while to get my head back around.
I got myself back up, changed my sweat pants and shirt becasue they'd gotten soaked from my sweats during my sleep (this happeneds every single time I sleep;nap or bedtime) and then went downstairs. I went with CC to p/u Annie from the groomers and to help hold Annie while they finished trimming her nails; it's an Alpha Dog thing...we bought a mesh muzzle for her and then we came home. I walked into the back yard for a moment and then realized that "it" was starting again...it had been two weeks exactly that I had gone without a full-blown attack, but I stood there frozen, realizing that one was hitting and I could hardly do anything at all. That moment, that feeling, is one of the most terrifying feelings I experience and have experienced. Utter helplessness and defeat.
I managed to turn myself to face the patio doorway and reached my hand to hold onto the glass door and said something like " I need help" and in nanoseconds, my legs began to crumble, knees buckled and my eyes rolled back in my head. CC caught me from one side and Missy appeared on the other before I went down any further. I remember seeing them coming towards me and then watching the cieling to the sky then darkness. The got me to the Lazyboy and I don't remember much from there. I remember getting myslef out of the chair around bedtime and getting mysleft to the stairs, but just then Missy appeared under my left arm and walked me up the stairs and into my bed. She's so strong. I'm 250 lbs+. I don't remember after that. I woke up this morning when CC woke me around 7:00. My body feels as though I've been kicked repeatedly in the ribs and upper torso and like someone has punched and beaten my arms and legs over and over and over agin through the night. My eyes hurt alot and it is very difficult to read and type becasue moving my eyes while reading causes pain, but not dry eye pain or something like that; it's a pain behind my eyes. Hard to describe except that I feel that I can see, in my mind's eye, that the pain is coming from the muscles that hold my eyes in place and control them looking left, right, up and down, etc. and those muscles occassionally spasm and even cramp, causing great painful disruption to my moment in life right then. Sometime my eyes just sponteneously shake from left to right as if I was "shaking" my eyes in some kind of spasming motion like I did when I was a kid. I could make my eyes do that when I wanted to, but not until this year, hasthat same thing begun to happen with my eyes WITHOUT my permission and intention. All I can do is close my eyes and wait for it all to stop. It hurts the same, whether my eyes are open or closed

I've also found that sometimes,.when my eyes are closed, it seems as if someone is turning the room lights on and off in rapid succession for 5 to 10 seconds at a time and thenspasms come and go.
Anyway, this morning is VERY slow and methodical so I can get through it. Even now I take breaks from typing to sit and hang my head, eyes closed, so my mind and my eyes can rest and regain focus. This has become common now, a daily scenario.
My jaw and mouth have become so sore that I am more distracted by the moments they don't hurt than from when they do. I know I lock my jaw when the attacks hit and I'm totally certain that it gets locked while I sleep too.

(Rant forthcoming...) I'm just feeling screwed over by my own flesh that is supposed to support me and contain me until I die of old age...it instead, betrays me on a daily basis, subjecting me to impressive amounts of variable pain in a variety of locations, often lasting months at a time, yet when I have to go in to the ER to seek pain management and bodily restoration and re-balance due to a formidable attack, I am assumed to be, accused of being and treated as though I am a drug chaser and pain-poser who simply likes the attention of the ER staff. Understand NOW why CC treats me at home during attacks that would otherwise be considered 911 events? The hospital leads by bias and jaded experience that they call knowldege and wisdom, but we call assumption and narrow-sightedness. I do believe that they can save my life, but I do not believe that they can care for me or respect me or my wife, as long as they operate from behind their guarded ignorance and place the value of the dollar above the value of the care of the patient.

Time to eat something I can keep down and then lay down until I can walk better. I'm not supposed to take any risks when I am home alone, and I am to keep my cell phone with me at all times, just in case.
Welcome to my life right now.