Monday So Far

Monday, October 13, 2008

The fatigue that I am experiencing right now is impressively interruptive, prohibitive and maddening. As I will be writing e-mails or in a chat with someone, I find myself having to drop my head while I'm sitting in my chair and wait to be able to raise my head again and open my eyes and type. It is not narcolepsy or something of that sort, because I do not fall into a sleep, so to speak; I simply become very tired in that moment in time, and it's like my body shuts down right then and there, though I can still hear what's going on around me.

When I went to bed last night, I did not put on my CPAP machine or turn on my oxygen compressor, because I was dealing with a fair amount of congestion and I couldn't breathe through my nose (which is a requirement for a CPAP machine). I was laying in bed waiting to be able to breathe through my nose and subsequently fell off to sleep. It could very well be that what I am dealing with now, is a lack of deeper sleep that I theoretically get when I'm using my CPAP and oxygen machines. I guess, actually, it could be tons of things; some things I'm familiar with and some things I have no clue of, but at this point, it almost doesn't matter what it is because it just is. I know firsthand how critical it is to be able to get good solid sleep. And I covet those nights when that actually happens, but I fear that more often than not, I do not get the amount of sleep my body needs, and/or I don't get the depth of sleep that I need on a regular basis. I'm also fairly certain that everything of dealing with, in regards to my eyes and sleeping and such, is completely related to HKPP and my ongoing struggle with it. I think that the average person can bounce back from periods of lack of sleep or periods of little sleep, without to significant of a price to pay, however my scenario, unfortunately, is more delicate, as it relates to my body's condition, immune system and constitution. It has not always been this way, certainly not to this extent, but things are very different now from before and I strive not to focus on the differences between then and now, as well as not focusing on what life was like back then, so to speak. My focus needs to be in the here and now and on my health, well-being, wife, children, family and future. I guess that's my way of reminding myself.

Wow. I can't begin to note all the different points during this entry that I have stopped, hung my head and shut my eyes. I'm also noting that when this happens, thoughts and images flashed through my mind almost and hyperspeed as if they're just passing by. It's difficult for me to focus and to stay focused on what it is that I'm trying to write and convey. I have to stop and then reread the previous few sentences to make certain that what I'm writing now is cohesive to what I wrote. I guess it should also be said that I'm not actually typing right now, but I have my earpiece on, and I'm dictating with my eyes closed and letting the computer write. If I were actually typing, it probably would not be a problem of being unfocused. I'm so tired. I know I should nap, but at the same time, I feel responsible to get different chores done and take care of different responsibilities about the house. It's like a catch 22, were I can't really win no matter which direction I choose.

I guess that's it for right now.
Peace.