Wednesday Night Quick

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Another quicker post than not; today was attack-free but yesterday late morning, I took a hit while on the table at PT and the day before (Monday) I got hit in the evening. Today just plain-old hurt, sums it up.
We've been monitoring my blood sugar as well as my blood pressure and both have been elevated, leading me to believe that my system is much more fragile than it was weeks ago, and likely my potassium levels are all over the map since my blood sugar and bp are elevated.

Tomorrow is PT again...I'm going to go very easy this time on the stretching but normal on the muscle massage, if Mark is cool with it. It's such a two-edged sword, exercise and muscle manipulation (like massage), in that the muscles need to be flexed and moved in order to keep the exchange of electrolytes and oxygen flowing in and out of them, but move them too much or too suddenly and they react with a cramp or an attack. There is a definite invisible line that you know you have crossed but cannot see beforehand, that must be held in order to prevent more damage following an attack.

The venture to the mall on Monday went well but I ended up exhausted afterwards and then that night I got hit. It could have been because of the level of exertion or it could have been just the fragile levels getting out of whack.

I do want to note that it was my Aunt and Uncle who came to help me while I was at PT on Tuesday and they got me out of PT and home. They have been selfless in their care of me and of us as a family; always offering to help in way they can and always being in attendance of our family gatherings and kids events (when schedules would permit) and I don't think there has been but maybe one time that I was in an ER up here, that they weren't there with me or CC to support and help in any way they could (and we're talking about, between 15 and 20 ER visits in the past three years, I think).

Please be praying for tomorrow's PT appt. I don't want another hit again. My body needs more time to recover from the last two and I know I need Mark's help to work the muscles recently damaged from the last two hits.

Lastly, I had been letting my hair grow out a bit from shaving, to see how it would look coming in and what areas on my scalp would be visually problematic, from my perspective. What I saw frustrated me more and more, though I know that I have to be in it for the "long haul", so to speak, and not get discouraged by what I see in the process. The problem was that, every time I looked in a mirror, I saw a "crippled" old man who looked beaten and lost. Sounds dramatic, I know, but it IS what I saw and I hated seeing it. So, on the weekend, I suddenly remembered what had given me strength in attitude when I was recovering from my back surgeries and when I was being treated like a drug-user/junkie; I remembered a pro-wrestler named Stone Cold Steve Austin, whose "gimmick and personality was that of a alley-fighter, take no names-just kick butt, shaved-headed tough s.o.b. (It also happened that I resembled him at a distance). I adopted his DTA attitude (DTA=Don't Trust Anybody) and decided that I would not be a victim any longer and that I would not be taken advantage of anymore. Emotionally, I would hit first and would stand up and be counted at the first sign of conflict. So, with all of those memories coming back to me in an instant, I knew I needed to re-adopt a fighter's attitude and choose not to lie down when I get hit or crash, but fight and be proud of and respect what and who I see in the mirror. For me, that meant shaving my head again and trimming my beard/goatee so that I would resemble someone that I would not want to challenge at a glance. To me, it's about attitude and perspective and not allowing a bully like HKPP or Hyperaldosteronism to beat me on all four fronts (physically, emotionally, spiritually and intellectually/cerebrally) at the same time. Pro wrestlers always play to the audience, always wrestle or fight even when injured and they never stop pursuing their goal to achieve whatever belt or championship they are going after. In my case, I am my own audience and need to “play” in such a way that I feel respectable and know that I believe in myself to beat whatever I’m fighting. Due to the diseases, I have no choice but to fight while injured which, in fact, means to fighter more definitely and more intelligently with knowledge and wisdom as well as perseverance and determination. I’m not fighting for a belt or a title or championship; I’m fighting for my life. I’m fighting for my family. I’m fighting for my dignity against a disease that chips away at my view of myself with each and every single hit and crash I suffer.
Enough said for now.

More later-