Early & Honest

Friday Morning, October 31, 2008

It's been shamefully long since my last legit posting, and thankfully, it is not because of regular attacks, but because of accomplishment-filled days and evenings, wherein I don't sit down to write out my thoughts and recent history, but to socialize on Facebook and connect with others in a limited, small cybercafe, if you will, where folks "come by" and stay for a *chat* or two then leave to get on with their day. It is often my only real connection with folks, other than my family.

My last attack was Wednesday night, beginning while we were eating at Fresh Choice. Actually, I began to suffer confusion (and realize it) shortly before CC picked me up to take us all to Fresh Choice for dinner. I felt like I was getting slower and slower but didn't want to cut the kids dinner time short, so I would let CC know when different things would begin to happen or I would realize them and we went from there. Eventually, CC walked me to the car and I rested in there until she and the kids came out to leave. After we got back home, CC helped me upstairs and got me to bed and my meds in me as well. About that time things went South a bit faster. I woke up the next morning (yesterday) feeling VERY sore and very slow. I made it to PT but after that outing, I went to bed and stayed there for the rest of the day/evening. I did come down and have a little dinner with CC and the kids while we watch political ads interspersed with brief moments of "news" and we talked a bit to the kids about the political advertisements and what they are created for and such. Shortly thereafter, I went back upstairs to bed. I have done a little bit of FB today, but for the most part, have been lying down, feeling like I was beat up again.

The rain is here and I'm very happy! It was suggested that the change in the weather may be the key factor in my reduction of daily attacks...and I think they are correct. Since the heat dropped down below 85 degrees and now regularly stays in the 70's, or so, my attacks have been far from daily; Praise God.
I have been still suffering from exhaustion and heavy drowsiness during my mornings, afternoon and evenings. It seems that no part of the day is exempt from this overwhelming urge to just drop my head/or lean my head back on a headrest and just close my eyes "for just a few minutes"...or an hour or so...this one I have little clues for. I know that I don't sleep regularly so it is quite possible that my lack of nighttime sleep may be encroaching on my daylight hours, but no one's able to offer me any substantive medical suggestions, other than I'm battling depression...uh...yep. Memory issues have not gotten better. Still trying to lose some weight. Nothing's really changed on my personal medical side/front.

This past Saturday, after Joshy's soccer game, my dad took me (at my request) to the Cordova Gun Range off of Sunrise and Douglas in Rancho Cordova. I shot about 150 .22 rounds and probably 20 or so shells with my 16 gauge shotgun. Dad didn't shoot due to his shoulder hurting him, but we had a blast together while I shot and he spotted for me. When we went over to the shotgun range, he sat out near me and pushed the button to fire off the bright orange clay discs (also called clay pigeons) for me to shoot at. I hit 2 out of 12 or so, which I was THRILLED with, being that I hadn't really shot my shotgun since last hunting with my dad when I was around 14 years old...that would be 31 years ago...the last time he and I went duck hunting together (the last time I went hunting, period, really). Saturday was a very special time for me; very special time. It costs around $15.00 to go and shoot for as long as you want to, so I'm hoping to stock up on ammo and then become a regular to the range, so I can get back into something I really enjoy doing. I love shooting.

God has blessed me with the desire to create, record and play some music again and even pursue some vocal work as well. This is totally out of the blue for me and I know it is surely a God thing, for I am empty without Him. My current effort is called "Tunnels" which you can here by clicking on this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcWTXtmzulc

At this point, the words are obscured by the vocal effect, however, I kinda like the over-all package sound, though I may still add some more discernible vocals to it, plus it needs a chorus (vocally) so I need to do some more work to it. I play everything on it except for the drum-loop I found via Loopology. I'm open to opinions and encouragement, if you are intrigued to check the some out. The only real bummer is that through Youtube the music is incredibly compressed and most of the fidelity and low-end is greatly compromised. *sigh*
My effort before getting into bed tonight was to pick out a drum beat and guitar sound for a song I wrote 16 years ago called "Goodbye to Graceland". I'm not sure why that song is now up for revision, but I'm planning on following where I am lead.

Closing, there is something I believe I am to share, specifically; Read 1 Samuel 8:7-20 (I'm pretty sure I have that correct). My heart and spirit have been grieved and greatly troubled over this election with all of the name calling, bitterness and faultfinding, and not just that between the political parties, but between friends, families and colleagues. It just grieves me. Some time ago, God brought the book of Jude and then 1 Samuel into my head to read, so I read them (I'm now into 1 Kings) and I cannot convey strongly enough that I am in great fear that God may just pull His hand of protection from over us (as a nation that used to be "under God" but has pushed itself off of His path so far). He may have seen to raise up a "leader" who "the people" are wanting to lead them, all the while as they continue to reject God's leadership and His commands. Throughout history, God has risen up leaders to overthrow His chosen people because of their lack of moral and Godly obedience and their contempt for His laws. In the Bible, it is referred to as "judgment". I'm scared that we have pushed God to this point. If we elect a leader that stands against most, if not all, of the biblical principles and moral values which are continually being stripped away from our nation's foundations, then we will have no one, NO ONE to call or cry out to when we suffer the reaping of that which we sowed. In that portion of 1 Samuel, God says that He"...will not listen to them in that time".

Pray that I'm wrong. Pray that this will not come to pass, but above all and most importantly, pray that God will seat the president HE wants over America; any other candidate will bring sorrow, suffering and judgment.

I'm tired now. It's 1:30 am...AGAIN!

Another attack began last night

Another attack began last night while at Fresh Choice for dinner. Got home prior to full scale hit. "Under the rock" today.

Monday Night Brief

Monday, October 20, 2008

Another short entry. My last attack was Thursday night and it took me 3 days to recover to the point where I could walk "normally" with a cane. Funny how I forget how it feels to have an attack after going a number of days without one, but then remember all too clearly in the moment it hits. Tomorrow is PT and I'm looking forward to it. I'm BEYOND frustrated with my body size and have got to come up with a simple, effective plan to drop some of this weight. I have NO desire to see a mirror, anywhere. I'm planning on eating far less carbs than I have been and continuing to stay very, very low on the sodium. I still have daily full body sweats that necessitate changing my clothes afterwards, but, aside from understanding that the sweating is an outward indication of my body's inward dump of potassium, I have no other clues, and neither do the Kaiser staff. it wasn't even a doctor or endocrinologist or nephrologist who alerted me to it being a potassium dump; it was a visiting nurse who's speciality happen to be HKPP, an absolute answer to my prayers for help. God provided answers through her, thankfully. Anyway, we'll see how my change in diet will, again, affect me.

I'm through 1 Samuel and now am part way in to 2 Samuel. It never ceases to amaze me how relevant scripture is to today and my life in specific. Just mind-blowing. I feel enriched from my reading and I also feel empowered to vote my perspective, having been encouraged by God's word to me. I must say that I am greatly troubled by this election and am very concerned that no matter WHO is elected, that it's only going to get worse and then, once again, everyone will blame whoever is holding the reigns, regardless of who was in office when the problems actually started. I don't know why this particular election grieves me as much as it does, except that I have been more immersed in scripture in the last number of weeks and some fundamental issues are on the table politically, as well as future judges who will "steer" the laws in whatever direction their politics or pocketbooks direct, and those issues and concerns cry out to me. I will vote.

I have to figure out how to be on my oxygen more during the days; I have slacked on that and I believe that is a significant reason for my tiredness and exhaustion. I have very long tubing, so perhaps I will simply have to get used to trailing a tube around with me and "get over it", so one might say. I don't want to be sick. I don't want this disease. I don't want to get worse. I don't want to be on oxygen. Things that remind me of my brokenness are things I don't want to see or look at, I realize that, but, "Oh well...Get over it." Yeah, yeah...I know, I know. I guess it will just continue to take time.

Okay. Time for some TV then sleep.
Back pain, shoulder pain, eye pain, jaw pain and abdomen pain are the ingredients of tonight's bedtime...

Prop 8 Video

Here is a video explaining Prop 8: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vI-GjWY-WlA

I'm sharing it because it was shared with me and I have found it helpful.

Friday Late Morning

Friday, October 16, 2008

Thursday morning, around 4:45 AM, I took a hit of chills, or better said, my upper body became cold to the point that I went into muscle spasms that wracked my whole body for 15 minutes or so, I'm not sure. It destroyed me. When I managed to get out of bed, around 8:00 AM, I could barely walk without assistance. By 9:00, I was reasonably mobile and waiting my my bud Josh to come and pick me up and take me to my PT appt. that morning at 9:30. He came right on time and away we went to PT where I was very tender and sore, though Mark noted that my muscles were doing pretty well, considering what had happened 4+ hours previous.
After leaving, we went to Walgreens to buy another cane for me; my existing cane was falling apart so it was time for another one and to allow Joshy to use my old one as another rifle/machine gun for him...you know how it goes....

The day passed with me being tender and sore but manageable. I resolved myself to take Annie for a walk around the circle and I was able to do that while riding in the chair. As a matter of fact, ANYTIME I note that I "took Annie for a walk..." or mention something to that effect, simply know that it means that I rode in my motorized chair while holding onto her leash, in some manner or fashion or one of the kids, parents or friends went with me and may have walked her on foot.
So be it.

Anyway, we came back from our walk in decent shape and I rested thereafter, upstairs on my bed.
I ended up taking a deep nap during that time and when CC woke me up around 6 pm, I thought it was the next morning...took me a while to get my head back around.
I got myself back up, changed my sweat pants and shirt becasue they'd gotten soaked from my sweats during my sleep (this happeneds every single time I sleep;nap or bedtime) and then went downstairs. I went with CC to p/u Annie from the groomers and to help hold Annie while they finished trimming her nails; it's an Alpha Dog thing...we bought a mesh muzzle for her and then we came home. I walked into the back yard for a moment and then realized that "it" was starting again...it had been two weeks exactly that I had gone without a full-blown attack, but I stood there frozen, realizing that one was hitting and I could hardly do anything at all. That moment, that feeling, is one of the most terrifying feelings I experience and have experienced. Utter helplessness and defeat.
I managed to turn myself to face the patio doorway and reached my hand to hold onto the glass door and said something like " I need help" and in nanoseconds, my legs began to crumble, knees buckled and my eyes rolled back in my head. CC caught me from one side and Missy appeared on the other before I went down any further. I remember seeing them coming towards me and then watching the cieling to the sky then darkness. The got me to the Lazyboy and I don't remember much from there. I remember getting myslef out of the chair around bedtime and getting mysleft to the stairs, but just then Missy appeared under my left arm and walked me up the stairs and into my bed. She's so strong. I'm 250 lbs+. I don't remember after that. I woke up this morning when CC woke me around 7:00. My body feels as though I've been kicked repeatedly in the ribs and upper torso and like someone has punched and beaten my arms and legs over and over and over agin through the night. My eyes hurt alot and it is very difficult to read and type becasue moving my eyes while reading causes pain, but not dry eye pain or something like that; it's a pain behind my eyes. Hard to describe except that I feel that I can see, in my mind's eye, that the pain is coming from the muscles that hold my eyes in place and control them looking left, right, up and down, etc. and those muscles occassionally spasm and even cramp, causing great painful disruption to my moment in life right then. Sometime my eyes just sponteneously shake from left to right as if I was "shaking" my eyes in some kind of spasming motion like I did when I was a kid. I could make my eyes do that when I wanted to, but not until this year, hasthat same thing begun to happen with my eyes WITHOUT my permission and intention. All I can do is close my eyes and wait for it all to stop. It hurts the same, whether my eyes are open or closed

I've also found that sometimes,.when my eyes are closed, it seems as if someone is turning the room lights on and off in rapid succession for 5 to 10 seconds at a time and thenspasms come and go.
Anyway, this morning is VERY slow and methodical so I can get through it. Even now I take breaks from typing to sit and hang my head, eyes closed, so my mind and my eyes can rest and regain focus. This has become common now, a daily scenario.
My jaw and mouth have become so sore that I am more distracted by the moments they don't hurt than from when they do. I know I lock my jaw when the attacks hit and I'm totally certain that it gets locked while I sleep too.

(Rant forthcoming...) I'm just feeling screwed over by my own flesh that is supposed to support me and contain me until I die of old age...it instead, betrays me on a daily basis, subjecting me to impressive amounts of variable pain in a variety of locations, often lasting months at a time, yet when I have to go in to the ER to seek pain management and bodily restoration and re-balance due to a formidable attack, I am assumed to be, accused of being and treated as though I am a drug chaser and pain-poser who simply likes the attention of the ER staff. Understand NOW why CC treats me at home during attacks that would otherwise be considered 911 events? The hospital leads by bias and jaded experience that they call knowldege and wisdom, but we call assumption and narrow-sightedness. I do believe that they can save my life, but I do not believe that they can care for me or respect me or my wife, as long as they operate from behind their guarded ignorance and place the value of the dollar above the value of the care of the patient.

Time to eat something I can keep down and then lay down until I can walk better. I'm not supposed to take any risks when I am home alone, and I am to keep my cell phone with me at all times, just in case.
Welcome to my life right now.

Tuesday Evening Short

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

My good and dear friend Dan Burke came up to visit me (us) yesterday (Monday) morning and stayed until late this morning, when he headed back to the Bay Area. I cannot begin to express the joy and blessing he brought to me by his visit. We love him dearly and had a great time visiting. The only downside is that my body was unhappy with my consistent attention to him and not remaining in a state of better restfulness. There is a price to be paid, but I'm TOTALLY good to pay it. He really blessed me.

God bless you, Dan-O. Thank you.

During our visit yesterday afternoon, my body began to fade out on me and I had to nap, so we took a break from talking and I went to sleep there in the chair while he began to watch some football. I woke up a few hours later to see him asleep as well on the couch, game still on and going. I was glad he was able to sleep as well. While I was resting, falling asleep, I felt the spasms start and dealt with a number of myoclonic hits/jerks but nothing manifested from there. I felt beaten after napping and the same this morning as well, so I know I had a "muted" attack of some kind because of how I felt then and even now. Still paying.

CC made dinner for us and the kids and we all ate dinner together; something that doesn't happen as often as we want, more often due to me not feeling well enough to sit at a table to eat. Many dinners are dinners in bed simply due to how life is right now. Tonight was a treat in and of itself, being able to fellowship with each other over good food.

I'm staying on O2 more often now to give me the best shot at a "good day", so to speak. It helps. I sleep with a CPAP and also O2 which helps me get a deeper sleep. It is not unusual for me to not move while asleep, when using the CPAP and O2 which means good sleep but very sore muscles as well. Another Catch 22. Yip-yo.

Neurology appt. next week to look into memory issues which still plague me daily. We'll see what come from that.

Monday So Far

Monday, October 13, 2008

The fatigue that I am experiencing right now is impressively interruptive, prohibitive and maddening. As I will be writing e-mails or in a chat with someone, I find myself having to drop my head while I'm sitting in my chair and wait to be able to raise my head again and open my eyes and type. It is not narcolepsy or something of that sort, because I do not fall into a sleep, so to speak; I simply become very tired in that moment in time, and it's like my body shuts down right then and there, though I can still hear what's going on around me.

When I went to bed last night, I did not put on my CPAP machine or turn on my oxygen compressor, because I was dealing with a fair amount of congestion and I couldn't breathe through my nose (which is a requirement for a CPAP machine). I was laying in bed waiting to be able to breathe through my nose and subsequently fell off to sleep. It could very well be that what I am dealing with now, is a lack of deeper sleep that I theoretically get when I'm using my CPAP and oxygen machines. I guess, actually, it could be tons of things; some things I'm familiar with and some things I have no clue of, but at this point, it almost doesn't matter what it is because it just is. I know firsthand how critical it is to be able to get good solid sleep. And I covet those nights when that actually happens, but I fear that more often than not, I do not get the amount of sleep my body needs, and/or I don't get the depth of sleep that I need on a regular basis. I'm also fairly certain that everything of dealing with, in regards to my eyes and sleeping and such, is completely related to HKPP and my ongoing struggle with it. I think that the average person can bounce back from periods of lack of sleep or periods of little sleep, without to significant of a price to pay, however my scenario, unfortunately, is more delicate, as it relates to my body's condition, immune system and constitution. It has not always been this way, certainly not to this extent, but things are very different now from before and I strive not to focus on the differences between then and now, as well as not focusing on what life was like back then, so to speak. My focus needs to be in the here and now and on my health, well-being, wife, children, family and future. I guess that's my way of reminding myself.

Wow. I can't begin to note all the different points during this entry that I have stopped, hung my head and shut my eyes. I'm also noting that when this happens, thoughts and images flashed through my mind almost and hyperspeed as if they're just passing by. It's difficult for me to focus and to stay focused on what it is that I'm trying to write and convey. I have to stop and then reread the previous few sentences to make certain that what I'm writing now is cohesive to what I wrote. I guess it should also be said that I'm not actually typing right now, but I have my earpiece on, and I'm dictating with my eyes closed and letting the computer write. If I were actually typing, it probably would not be a problem of being unfocused. I'm so tired. I know I should nap, but at the same time, I feel responsible to get different chores done and take care of different responsibilities about the house. It's like a catch 22, were I can't really win no matter which direction I choose.

I guess that's it for right now.
Peace.

Attack-less Sunday Night Late

Sunday, October 12, 2008...

Well, it's late again and, though I need to get to bed, it's worth noting that I've made it through the weekend without an attack, which in turn means that my last attack was a week ago last Thursday; I think I'm on day 10. Having noted that, it is also relevant to include that I have been battling a variety of newer issues including: harsh muscle pain behind the eyes, spasms in the eyes themselves as well as spasms in the eye lids, neck and jaw locking as well as muscle cramping in my neck, in my calves, my feet and toes. These "attacks" are not as long lasting per se as the full body hits are, but they take me down when they strike just the same. Those hits have been daily for a month or so now.

Joshy won his soccer game yesterday but I did not go to it due to the chill factor and my body's disdain for cooperating with me. The very last thing I want is for something to happen with me while at one of their soccer games. I was very proud of him though, and he knows it.

We made it to church this morning at Sunrise Community, which was very cool to accomplish. I think the kids might be easing up on their holding out for us to go back to Capitol Christian. We really, really like Capitol Christian, but the church is simply too far away for us to effectively connect on any kind of weekly basis. Church this morning was taught by the Senior Pastor and I appreciated his approach to teaching this morning; he taught from the scriptures and kept the message historical as well as biblical instead of preaching a lesson or thought. It really worked for me. We'll see what next week holds for us. When we left, Joshy wanted to be with me and I told CC that I wanted to just ride my chair home and meet them there instead of load it back onto the van and ride back that way. Joshy said he wanted to go with me too, so he and I left together and eventually met the ladies back at the house. Very cool thing was that I had Joshy sit on my lap with me and I leaned the chair back a little bit and he kicked back like that all the way home; probably a mile and a half ride. I loved the intimate time with him while just rolling along together. there will come a day when he won't want that time with me or will be too big for me to hold on the chair, so I need to get all I can in now...

Having read quite in depth in Jude and using the concordance to dig deeper, I'm now reading in First Samuel each morning as well as late at night when I eat my snack before going to bed. My spiritual resolve is strengthening daily and I'm no longer hypocritical in asking my children to read their bibles.

CC began feeling punk a little while after church today, so if you wouldn't mind to, please be praying for her to be healed from whatever is bringing her illness and that God would restore her to strong health.


Lastly, a couple notes from 1 Samuel:

In the NIV, it notes that two believing and saved parents does not guarantee God-fearing, saved children as well as that an office of spiritual leadership does not guarantee a legit spiritual leader.

Mempsimoiros

Friday, October 10, 2008

This post has little to do with my physical health and mostly to do with what is on my heart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mempsimoiros.

That’s the Greek word for the English word “Faultfinders”.

So what?

Well, it caught my eye the first time I came across it while reading in a New Testament book and I found it impressively descriptive, yet when I looked it up for other usages in scripture, I found that it was only used the one time and that it was a direct translation from the Greek. My New King James bible does not include the same word; it uses “complainers” instead and, had I only been reading in that version, I would have missed such a applicable word. “Faultfinders” is found in the NIV book of Jude, verse 16a. Know this up front; I am NOT a scholar nor do I profess any biblical eloquentia. I’m just a learner in a continental classroom studying His-Story. My views are my views, shared for the pure purpose of sharing and provoking thoughts.

Again, “So what?” Well, I got to thinking about this while I was reading Jude and I re-read it again just a little while ago, and a thought quickly surfaced; in the United States, we actually have people who are trained (discipled, if you will), sought out, employed and paid to be faultfinders. This is done in a vast majority of industries to very little exposure and community awareness, however, it is front page and prime time broadcast material every 4 years, like clockwork. You can expect that we, the people, will know even more specifics about a candidate’s failures and *faults*, sometimes even more that we will know of their specific electoral game plans. Sure, we’ll hear all about the generalities of their campaign, but it’s when the electoral road gets muddy, that we are fed a visual and audible meal of distain and mistrust every day and night until the election day. This has always grieved me, for as long as I can remember. No candidate is stain-free in an election of a presidential nature; there is no good guy and some would argue that there is no bad guy either. It will be said that it’s just part of the campaign process and is to be anticipated, expected and prepared for.

It’s interesting to me that Scripture actually refers to faultfinders in a literal sense and not in any way positively. When Jude wrote this, I don’t think that there was even a conception of politics, whatsoever. I do believe that Jude was writing concerning affairs of the church and who/how to contend with those who were diverting believers from the true Gospel. Here is the included portion of scripture itself for contextual purposes:

Jude 1:14-23 (New King James Version)

14 Now Enoch, the seventh from Adam, prophesied about these men also, saying, “Behold, the Lord comes with ten thousands of His saints, 15 to execute judgment on all, to convict all who are ungodly among them of all their ungodly deeds which they have committed in an ungodly way, and of all the harsh things which ungodly sinners have spoken against Him.” 16 These are grumblers, complainers, walking according to their own lusts; and they mouth great swelling words, flattering people to gain advantage. 17 But you, beloved, remember the words which were spoken before by the apostles of our Lord Jesus Christ: 18 how they told you that there would be mockers in the last time who would walk according to their own ungodly lusts. 19 These are sensual persons, who cause divisions, not having the Spirit. 20 But you, beloved, building yourselves up on your most holy faith, praying in the Holy Spirit, 21 keep yourselves in the love of God, looking for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ unto eternal life. 22 And on some have compassion, making a distinction; 23 but others save with fear, pulling them out of the fire, hating even the garment defiled by the flesh.

For 3 different interpretations of verse 16:

The NIV reads: Jude 16 “These men are grumblers and faultfinders; they follow their own evil desires; they boast about themselves and flatter others for their own advantage.”

The New King James reads: Jude 16 “These are grumblers, complainers, walking according to their own lusts; and they mouth great swelling words, flattering people to gain advantage.”

The Amplified Bible reads: Jude 16 “These are inveterate murmurers who complain, going after their own desires; their talk is boastful and arrogant, [and they claim to] admire men's persons and pay people flattering compliments to gain advantage.”

I was convicted when I read through Jude. I was also greatly encouraged as well. I believe that God hates when people tear one another down, whether we justify it with political reasoning, corporate reasoning or even just because we want to hurt someone back for hurting us. I think I am supposed to be grieved by bitter campaign tactics and I also believe that those media products do, in some remote or close manner, reflect the honor and dignity of the campaigner, right or wrong.

I think that God is calling me back to some pretty fundamental basics about respect of others, assurance of my salvation, being diligent in watching for and protecting against those who tweak the Gospel for any other gain that God’s own, and exhorting others to stand firm in His Word and be loving in and to a love-less world. Has God instructed us to judge others? Or, was it that He told us to hold fellow believers accountable and to love those who don’t believe or know Him personally? I believe it is the latter. What do you do when you have to evaluate between “believing” candidates? Well, I don’t know what you are going to do, but I am going to do my best to connect the dots between the candidate’s messages and His message, and whoever has the least amount of connections will hopefully receive the least amount of votes.

I also need to remember that I am living the very same world that has historically, repeatedly walked away from Him due to sin and that these times, though new to me, are not new to Him.

My eyes have been getting

My eyes have been getting worse. Sometimes, I just have to lay down and close them for an hour or so, so I can see later.

It's Wed. and things have

It's Wed. and things have been fairly quiet for this week. I have been fairly "bleh", hence the lack of posts. Sorry.

Thursday's Daytime Recollections

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Last night, I began writing a blog entry while I was working on Facebook and, instead of recording it on the tape like I am now, I went ahead and just typed straight into the blog application in Facebook and didn't think twice about it. Unfortunately, as it turned out, there was a glitch in the posting procedure, so that when I hit post, it showed an error message and then reset back to a blank document; everything I wrote was lost. It was significantly frustrating. So, okay...moving on now. Grrrrrr.

Tuesday's manifestation of an attack happened after I came back from physical therapy. After returning home, I had gone around the house and completed several different small chores and tasks that I wanted to get done; I was even able to get the laundry finished which, typically, I'm not able to do with any regularity. So, since I was feeling like I could accomplish stuff at this time, I wanted to get it done and see if I can step up to the plate a bit further on a regular basis. So with that in my head, I was trying to accomplish what I could. CC got off work at one o'clock and let me know that she was on her way home; I was still in mid-process of getting things done and after hanging up with her, shortly thereafter, I realized that my hands were beginning to shake and once I was distracted by that, I hadn't realized that I had been sweating for some minutes by then and that my shirt and my sweatpants and my socks had become very damp with sweat. Normally that doesn't last for a very long time; I will sweat for a period of a few minutes or so and then it goes on from there, but this time, the sweating continued and continued, so much so, that I had to change everything that I was wearing, once I was able to get upstairs. But before that, as I realized the shakes were starting, I went into the kitchen and I was able to pour myself a "potassium cocktail" and CC came home while I was in process of getting that done. She helped me make it over to the couch and what I thought was going to be a full-blown attack did not manifest as a full-blown attack in the normal sense, this time it manifested with pretty severe eye pain in my eye lids and behind my eyes. My eyes moving left to right or up and down was causing significant pain and then I realized that my shoulders hurt as well. My hands hurt; they felt like they were swollen, but they weren't. It was very difficult for me to make a fist with either hand. They just hurt a lot, and my upper and lower abdomen was cramping as well; it would cramp for 5 to 7 minutes and then it would release, almost in a cycle type of motion, but without any predictable form to it. This went on from 1:30 in the afternoon until 8:00 - 8:30 pm that night. When it finally let up, it took me awhile to be able to go to sleep afterwards and my body felt like I was just trashed.

Come Wednesday morning, and Wednesday afternoon, I definitely felt like I was recovering from an attack but it was a different kind of pain and it was spread out over most of my body; it didn't feel like the other attacks have felt, so, I realized on Wednesday that the attack that happened the day before was similar to what has happened a couple of times in the past month and I now think that that's a different manifestation of an attack. Wednesday night brought very much the same type of thing, but not as intense as Tuesday's was, however, it was very difficult for me to see and read; my eyes could not focus. It hurt to have them opened and it hurt to have them closed. I would have to squint in order to be able to see anything somewhat clearly. Also, I noticed that when my eyes were closed, that it would seem like things were flashing in front of me and I was seeing dark and light rapidly changing. Of course, there isn't anything like that happening in the rooms that I'm in at the time, so something's going on with my eyes and with the muscles in my eyes, and that is worrisome. Even though I know I'm not supposed to be worried, all of this stuff has been one huge learning curve for me and for my family, and while dealing with that, I had not considered the possibility that I would have problems with my vision, so that scares me a bit.

Today being Thursday, this morning CC took me to physical therapy, and she got her time of PT and then I had my time of PT and Mark noticed that many of my muscles were tight again, and not all the same typical muscles of the past, but some different ones that had tightened up, also further indicating that I'd had an attack. So, that let me know that things are definitely happening. I came home from PT and was feeling not as well as I normally do when I'm done at PT; this time muscles were definitely sore and I'm still feeling like I've been beat up and not beat up from physical therapy, but beat up from what's going on in the muscular sense within my system. I'm spending my time today primarily just laying down on the bed and trying to rest.

I have been reading more in Scripture, due to the spiritual things happening in the house, and it's been a real blessing to get back into reading again. I had prayed and asked God to instill in me a desire to read His Word more often, let alone just more, and it would appear that He's, once again, answered prayer and I'm now trying to figure out how I can re-work the desk in my office so that I can get my concordance down and have my bibles down and resources down on the table with me, so that I can study more effectively and be able to communicate better with my children and be the leader that I'm supposed to be; I have been called to be and I currently am by title and position, but I'm not so much by wisdom and knowledge. I really would like to become more informed, more learned and just a better steward in Scripture and His Word. I'm kind of excited about that, actually. It's been a long time. My children need to know what kind of Christian I am and hopefully they will be able to see a strong father, rather than a sleepy, tired father that doesn't know the Word.

Currently, the kids are struggling a little bit with some of the changes that I'm instituting in the house. As we have been battling with some spiritual things that have been going on, I have become aware that we have, what I consider to be, spiritual doorways in the house that don't belong. We have some things that appear to be innocent and, of course, are marketed to children, however, when you dig into them and learn their roots, you find that they are often tied to Eastern philosophies and Eastern gods (gods with a little "g"), and I'm a believer that, if you have in your home, things that are associated or directly related to occultic beliefs and/or deities, then there is a spiritual doorway in your home, allowing spirits that you don't want to associate with, access to take up residence in your home. They will mess around with your head, with your mind and with your dreams and I believe that, other than having people strong in the Lord come and pray for you and pray for your home and dedicate your home to God, you need to flush your home of the different items, cards, posters, books, games, whatever they are, that have their roots in Eastern mysticism, Eastern idol worship, magic, occultic or otherwise. It has surprised me to realize how much stuff we've had in our home that does not belong. So, I have been on the cleansing journey to remove those items from the house. Since the bulk of those items belong to the kids (and they appear to be harmless, and “…everybody at school reads them.” and “…everybody at school has them.”), it makes it very difficult for the kids to let them go. I could certainly use your prayer; that both children would be comforted and be at peace with the positive changes that are taking place, and that, even though it hurts to lose some things that you have held onto and been comfortable with, that God will replace them with things of His own and things that are healthy to have. We are going through that, along with everything else that's happening, but I believe that is something that has been orchestrated by God and I believe that I am supported in this process as well. I am doing what I believe is the right thing and CC and I are on the same page regarding our views about this as well.

So once again, I ask for your prayers for healing, comfort, rest, the children's comfort and confidence, and the will and drive for all of us to read the Bible as a choice.