Monday, April 30, 2007 (parts 1 & 2)

Monday, April 30, 2007 (parts 1 and 2...scroll down for part 2)

Probably brief at the moment; it’s 12:09 PM and I came back, not too long ago, from my appointment at PT and worked out just a little less than “typical;” I suppose.
My attitude is just crappy and I’m feeling oddly anxious. I’m intentionally searching for “good” thoughts and “happy” thoughts and even what seem now to be kind of ridiculous “thoughts of contentment” in hopes of adopting ANY aspect of any of the above.

CC had to take her mom in to the ER yesterday right after church time because her back is hurting her more and more and the current meds don’t apparently help. She came back home at 2:00 AM this morning. Everybody loses out in that situation because the kids and I don’t have any time with her and her mom appears to be in enough pain that she needs to go to the hospital, but there isn’t anyone else taking her in but CC, so there you go. Sounds selfish of me, huh?
I just live in it, I guess. See why I’m looking for something positive to focus on? Being that I’m aware of my thoughts and all, it makes for incredible discontentment when I interpret my own motivations as being selfish or cynical, which mean there’s much discontentment running rampant. Maybe I’ll vent more later.

Echo Cardiogram today at Kaiser because…well, I think it’s because I asked for more investigation of my heart after reading my chart reports and noticing 8 of 12 EKGs as being abnormal to some extent with “enlarged left side of the heart” catching my eye but not catching anyone at Kaiser’s eye. Should my healthcare require THIS MUCH work from me? I only have faith in my primary and my Nephrologist, that’s it. All the others would prefer I just get the hell out of their hair and stop complaining about poor care and poor patient attention, especially the ER folks in Roseville. CC said the ER folks at Morse Ave hospital (a week ago last Friday) were very kind, attentive and even…caring [SHOCK].

Some family from the East coast have chosen to step into our hurricane and have blessed us beyond measurable scale, literally casting light into what feels like a shrouding darkness. Because of their care, they have given us an opportunity to “breath” under circumstances that would have eventually snuffed our chances to “breath” otherwise. I can only imagine the brilliance of the jewel to be added to their heavenly crown for the care and mercy they’ve shown us.

Time to head out to the Echo Cardiogram…I’ll share my heart from yesterday’s events at FOPC’s 9:30 service that we, as a family, attended.

yeh.
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Monday, April 30, 2007 pt. 2

Sunday was an emotional rollercoaster, though that expression is annoyingly overused. Chris has invited me and the family to come to church, on any weekend that would work for us, so that he could express his appreciation to us in front of the congregation and ask the congregation to recognize my efforts in and for the church. During the 9:30 service, he did just that after Sara finished doing the announcements/Life of the Church segment.
He shared that a few staff members have left and expressed the sadness in seeing them go and then shared that another member was leaving as well and then he asked me to stand, and as I did a number of the congregation applauded and some in the choir stood up as they applauded. My concentration was on keeping my composure and not giving in to the mourning that was swirling around inside of me as he spoke. His words were very, very kind and, thanks to the recording Cookie gave me of the service, I’ll not forget them. He then asked my family to stand and when we did they applauded again. During their applause, Missy, who was sitting beside me on my left, clutched my arm and side very tight, in a half-embraced hug of support and love. It wasn’t until afterwards, after the focus resumed back to the front of the platform that I began to weep and nearly sob in a somewhat final recognition of leaving my post as director, servant, engineer, colleague, co-worker and friend of a number of staff there at FOPC. Towards the end of Chris’s public words to me, he asked me to forgive them (the church) for the times I was not supported/treated fairly, if I recall correctly. It was very kind of him and exemplary as a leader as well, in my damaged opinion.
Tears followed me throughout the remainder of my morning, on campus and off, as I thought through the finality of my undesired and un-preferred transition from being employed at FOP. I’ve shared before that this was not how I imagined “going out” and leaving my position at FOP. The love that some of the folks expressed and showed to me and my family in the few moments after service are moments I won’t forget and I will value as long as I have capability.

The echo cardiogram was done a couple hours back and was relatively painless except for the pressure points the technician had to press in order to accomplish the ultra sound of my heart. Another test finished. We wait now for another week or so for the results to be returned.

I’m hoping to go to dinner with CC tonight as a date if we can secure the dinners and homework with my mom to cover while we are (hopefully) out to dinner.

Prayers for strength, encouragement, uplifted attitude, help, rest and restoration – please.

peace