Friday, May 25, 2007

Friday, May 25, 2007

Today is the day that Missy comes home from Yosemite. I have missed her so, but there has been such heartache here that in some ways, I’m glad she hasn’t had to go through it and in others, it will make her coming home even more substantial.
Jazzy’s made it through each night, with each night being harder than the night before. Sometimes he cries out and he sounds almost human. Last night’s calls woke me from my sleep around 3:30 to the cry of “muaaud” which I initially mistook for Joshua calling “dad” with more of an “au” sound and then realized on his second cry that it was Jazzy calling out.
This is not about me, though I’m obviously writing to clear my head and share my heart and all the things that go with keeping a journal, on-line or not. I know this is tearing CC up as much as it is me. I don’t think it’s within Joshy’s total capacity to be processing the depth of slow loss that CC and I are, but Missy won’t be able to escape it and I fear it will knock the emotional wind out of her. I guess I’m hoping not, but if the reality of losing Jazzy doesn’t get to her, I’m sure watching the effect of that on me and or CC will make things much tougher. I cried all the way home from taking him this morning. Why this morning was harder, I guess was because he cried a bit on the drive there and then was a little more responsive to my petting while I waited for the gal at the counter to receive him for the day. The doc was there a few moments after the gal at the counter asked how she could assist me and when I told the doc that he hadn’t eaten or really consumed any more water she frowned and said that his numbers, though they have risen since the IV fluids began, are not near range for him to survive stably in the home, even if we were to give him shots each day of fluids. They handed me a box of Kleenex as I began to lose it and was unable to talk shortly there after and they only asked questions which required a head-nod or shake.
You just don’t know how this will effect you until it is there and you are effected. Even now, I just begin to cry for a minute or so then stop. I’m not certain how controllable it is, at least for me.

I think my parents are coming up tomorrow for the weekend. That will be good to have the support and help again for some time. Also, one of my best buddies up here, called and CC and I plan to hook with him and his wife in the next few days or so. Things to look forward to are good.

CC gets off in an hour and plans to head to the vets to see Jazzy on her way home. I’m not sure I could pull that off again this morning without becoming a wreck emotionally, plus the repairman for our clothes dryer is supposed to be here between 9 – 11 AM, so my timing revolves around that.
Need to get laundry going, dishes going and just “get” going, I guess. I’ll feel better once CC gets home.

Totally worthy of note, CC and her brother have talked and her brother and his wife are going to begin caring for his mom (Nana, who’s been with us since her near death in 2003 when we moved up here) beginning in June. This is such an answer to a long petitioned prayer that I cannot really fathom it even yet, especially with what is happening to Jazzy.

I’m planning to write more later after I make some more progress here in the home. For those of you who have prayed for Nana and her to be cared for in another manner, thank you for your persistence and intercession.
More on prayer later-
-w