Wednesday Evening, December 20th

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

I feel like writing more today. Yesterday, it seems like the emotional ingredients all came together simultaneously after speaking to the woman from the insurance company at 7:30 yesterday morning. I managed to hold it together and drive the kids to school without getting into any fights with any motorists and without jumping on the kids (I asked Joshy last night if he remembers my being angry or stressed in the morning [yesterday]) and he said no. He wanted me to tell him what had made me angry but I didn’t know how to explain it without losing it again, so I told him it was something that mommy and I were dealing with.) but when I got back home I simply lost it for a few hours. No emotional control. After managing to “get a grip” so to speak, I decided to move forward on building a medium-sized closet organizer I had imagined to put on top of the right shelving in my closet. I had drawn it out yesterday and had bought the lumber after calculating the measurements according to space.
I put on my In Ears and plugged them into my Axim and began about an 8 hour therapeutic process of cutting, sawing, building and such. I started it after 9-something and was done before 6:00. I didn’t paint it except for some primer on places. I think when we pick up some paint for the bathroom and such, I’ll make sure we have enough for the shelving as well.
At any rate, as it turns out, I can’t get it up onto the shelving because there’s a strip, kind of a mid way molding about 5’ up from the floor that runs the interior of the closet, left to right and I didn’t take it into consideration in my measurements since it wasn’t in the location of the shelving, but since my other measurements were in good shape I couldn’t actually fit the unit up into place. I think I growled…or something similar. I may have muttered some “Words Of Healing”, as Chris calls them, in my realization of my new-found constraints. CC suggested using it lower in the closet instead of cutting it into two pieces that would have fit individually, one at a time. I built a 16” riser out of existing scrap lumber and the shelving is now oriented at 90° from it’s intended design, but it still works out and now holds some of my foldable clothes. It was therapeutic. I didn’t lose it for the rest of the day. I felt like hell at the end of the day and hurt pretty bad, but it was worth it and at least I had something to show for my pain this time. I’m so used to simply having pain and nothing to show for its presence, at least this time I can look in the closet and see why I feel like I do. Today continues the payment for yesterday but I’ll get through. I’ve felt worse.

I realized last night that since my diagnosis, I’ve only really reacted to my circumstance and pain and such but can’t recall actually responding emotionally to what has happened and is happening. Yesterday may have been that boiling point being surpassed. I couldn’t imagine or fathom the possibility that the claim would either not be accepted or would turn out to be unhelpful. Now we know why we didn’t hear from them within the usual 10 day acceptance window. If the claim had been for Short Term Disability then we would have been set within the 10 day period, but since the claim is for Long Term Disability (God knows why) then they have 90 days to set up the account and get through the 90 day waiting period. Incredible still. All of the paperwork stated that I would be targeting to return to work within February yet THAT is when the claim would begin it’s journey.
In-frickin-credible. I’m doing a little better today than yesterday; I would have been less polite any time yesterday.
I’m still very, very angry with yet ANOTHER situation that is beyond my influence and manipulation and it leaves us financially vulnerable AGAIN and STILL. Anyone with any insight as to our trials and their meaning is welcome to shoot me an email suggesting their interpretation and I promise NOT to flame on you if you do and I don’t like what you have to say; I just want to have some clue as to why we are going through this emotional and fiscal meat-grinder so s-l-o-w-l-y so that each piece of internal dignity seems to be reduced in size with each grinding turn. How’s that for a mental picture? Profanity rests on the tip of my tongue, balancing on the emotional rubble within. I’m so angry. Time to stop writing.

Okay, a few minutes later now…composure apparently restored.
Annie was great yesterday; she stayed pretty close to me while I was working outside on the shelving and cutting and drilling and such. I placed an old quilt on the ground at the end of the cutting surface I had constructed, so that any pieces of lumbar would fall onto the quilt/comforter instead of dropping onto the cement and though I had pulled Annie’s outside dog house over to near where I was, she only spent part of her time in the doghouse but spent the better part of her time lying next to me on the quilt, rendering its original intent useless, but bringing another level of comfort, so to speak, by having her want to be near me while I was in the mind-frame I was. It wasn’t frustrating at all and the times when I needed to cut, she was off in the yard barking out her challenges to the 2 squirrels who torment her from near-by trees when possible. CC was gone for most of the day, like today, so I was alone for most the whole day except for Annie. I was using the Axim on the Media Player and have close to a Gig’s worth of MP3s stored in it, so I put it on “shuffle” (a feature that will randomly select songs and play them) and locked myself in my own mind’s room, so to speak, turned up the proverbial stereo and recessed into the songs which addressed my emotions every 4 to 5 minutes as each song would begin.
Today I have to try to make headway on Nana’s medical coverage via the phone with the participating care giving insurance companies (ha, there’s an f’n oxymoron; care-giving insurance company). Anyway, before I so rudely interrupted myself, I was saying that my afternoon will likely be sent on the phone with folks regarding Nana’s medical coverage. Fun, huh?
All of the darkness of yesterday overshadowed some letters from close friends who have written loving and caring thoughts and have blessed us immeasurably, especially now due to the current reality having come to light. This by no means is a “thank you” to them; I’m not certain who reads what as far as blogs go anyway. I will be writing out responses of appreciation and receipt of blessing today as well. A Marinership that my aunt and uncle belong too have stepped into the battle on our behalf and have been a blessing to us, even within the past 24 hours. I would MUCH rather be the one in the position of providing support of another family than be the family needing the support. Wow. That reads somewhat with an arrogant tone and yet simplistic. I’m not being arrogant at all…I’m certainly do not want to convey that, at all. Please capture from that gist of it that our heart as a family is taking pleasure in helping others and we (I) have not found it “pleasurable” to be on the other side of that dichotomy. That still doesn’t read right. I guess, instead of just deleting and re-writing, I want to keep the original thoughts there in hoped of painting a truer picture of my heart and disposition. That being said or written, I also have the benefit of walking away from the computer and thought in mid-write to better clarify my wording and yet, hopefully as one reads, there’s no inference or particular reference to actual time taken in writing other than my confessional notations that I’m stopping AGAIN to regain my frame of mind; granted, it’s a dented and scratched frame, but it is after all, mine.

So now it is 4 hours later and my mood has fluctuated some but not much. I guess it’s just a darker time for now.
I just fielded a call for one of our two mortgage companies asking for the mortgage payment plus the late fee. When I told the guy that I had called previously and that the payment had already been sent, he reminded me of the payment due date and the grace period. After he did this for the third time and after he asked if I had a reason for “falling behind”, I remained “polite” but my tone changed significantly. I explained that we have not “fallen behind” and that I was opposed to that perspective and he once again stated that the money is due on the first, etc…Debt collector positions, while logical, suck. They absolutely suck. I have YET to speak to a compassionate or even remotely “caring” collector. Doesn’t seem to matter; credit cards or whatever.
We are severely screwed if our credit report shows a late mortgage payment and I have tried more than passionately to prevent those circumstances from prevailing in the current scenario. This recent call has me questioning my level of success in those efforts.

More kindness from one of the church’s Marinerships in the form of a dinner tonight. Dinners make such a difference in a family’s evening and afternoon timely budget. It’s an attitude boost for most every time. Around 4 today, after not having eaten properly in my timely manner, I made nachos for myself figuring the sodium in the chips would be countered by the protein in the ground beef, cheese and the refried beans. I guess I’ll know more tonight around bed time if I am correct or not. Let’s be hoping so.

I hooked up the TV Sean gave us in our bed room so we can veg before going to sleep, but the temptation to watch for far too long is now, ever-present again. I’m not sure its “pros” outweigh its “cons”. I’ll be checking with CC tonight if I remember to. CC seldom gets any time to just sit and unwind and while the TV offers a number of other distractions and attractions, it often offer her the opportunity to just have some lone down-time before going to sleep.

Two major targets I’d like to accomplish are sanding and painting our bathroom, installing a fan in our bathroom ceiling and painting our bed room. I’m pretty sure I can do the sanding and painting if I’m careful, but the fan installation will require more ladder-work and possibly attack crawling which I cannot manage. The painting is chipping now in the bathroom due to the wrong paint having been used to make it look “nice” before we moved in. Wrong paint type in a bathroom will yield chipping and flaking in the paint after a period of time in the moist air and surroundings and it’s pretty bad now. I know it will make a big difference to CC as well as to me to get that done.

Stresses are pretty high for the time being. I’d like to stop typing on a more positive note, but I’ve not got one for now.
We’ll see about tomorrow-
peace