Tuesday March 27, 2007

Tuesday March 27, 2007

It’s now 8:02 AM and my K+ is 3.8.
Hot/cold symptoms were especially prominent yesterday evening, so much so that I remained in bed from before dinner time to try to maintain some consistent balance of body temp. it didn’t work very well; I still dealt with being very cold to touch and yet sweating like I was in a sauna. Add foot shocks to that and you have the very definition of discomfort. In case I haven’t delved into explaining what foot shocks are, here you go:
Back in late ’95, October to be precise, I broke my lower back (L5 in 3 places/pieces) while working in a warehouse and ended up having 2 surgeries; one in ’96 to fuse the L5/S1 location by putting some metal plates in my back and then one in ’97 to remove the metal plates and subsequently check the fusion. The promise from the surgeons was that they would do their best. In deed, they did their best and the fusion was successful however the pain I was experiencing was not bone pain (any longer) but was now just nerve damage from the break and then from the surgeries. One of the symptoms of pain was something I called “shocks”, sometimes in my right foot. These “shocks” are like mini electrocutions of certain areas; in this case, they are in my right foot, near the right side of the bottom of my right foot. They last anywhere from milliseconds to a full 2 or 3 seconds in duration and my life stops each moment they hit. They are between painful and incredibly uncomfortable. I’ve dealt with these on occasion, ever since the surgery; when they explained that I would likely have nerve damage for the remainder of my life and that they would happen as the nerves sound off due to who knows what trigger. They began last night again, but this time, not just one for the night, but increasing from one an hour from around 4 PM to 10:30 PM when they were happening nearly every few minutes making it terribly difficult to sleep. They are now about every 30 to 90 seconds and are vicious.
So now, to try to figure out why. Are they due to diet? Are they due to K+ levels? Are they due to my physical therapy? Is it simply my turn to suffer like a wounded dog? I don’t have a fricken clue. Another night of little to no sleep because every minute or so, I feel like someone sticks a cattle prod on the right side of my right foot. It’s got nothing to do with foot position or body position, because they happen regardless of my physical location and position; lying down, sitting, reclined, standing walking.

Stop. Listening to Michael W. Smith’s “Missing Person” and I’m having my ass kicked again, this time from the inside out. Damn! Can’t a guy catch a break? God used this same tune back on May 3 of 1998 when I had strayed far to far from “Home”. My anger, pain and bitterness simply made a haven for themselves within me and I lost all joy…like now.
I wish I had a sanctuary. A place I could just be. A place to cry and scream and think and sob and survive without being internally alone. My headphones are the only privacy, sanctuary I get now. My home has no comfort.
It’s like I’ve hidden from this song. I used to have the lyrics of it up on my office wall as a reminder. But I’ve forgotten.
The foot shocks have ceased as if they can’t be in the same place as me now.
How does He know? Why the hell does He care?
Just like Him to do something while I’m writing. Anger and bitterness are so, so toxic; they eat away the very fabric of joy and happiness; so slowly, so deliberately.
Am I infested; infected by a disease? Still? Perhaps. But it doesn’t matter much to me now, in this moment. The rest of the day will be new now.
Here are the lyrics to MWS’s “Missing Person”:

“Missing Person”
Another question in me
One for the powers that be
Its got me thrown and so
I put on my poker face

And try to figure it out
This undeniable doubt
A common occurrence
Feeling so out of place

Guarded and cynical now
Cant help but wondering how
My heart evolved into a
Rock beating inside of me

So I reel, such a stoic ordeal
Where’s that feeling that I don’t feel?

Chorus:
There was a boy who had the faith to move a mountain
And like a child he would believe without a reason
Without a trace he disappeared into the void and
I’ve been searching for that missing person

Under a lavender moon
So many thoughts consume me
Who dimmed that glowing light
That once burned so bright in me
Is this a radical phase
A problematical age
That keeps me running
From all that I used to be

Is there a way to return
Is there a way to unlearn
That carnal knowledge
That’s chipping away at my soul

Have I been gone too long
Will I ever find my way home?

Chorus:
There was a boy who had the faith to move a mountain
And like a child he would believe without a reason
Without a trace he disappeared into the void and
I’ve been searching for that missing person
He used to want to try to walk the straight and narrow
He had a fire and he could feel it in the marrow
Its been a long time and I haven’t seen him lately but
I’ve been searching for that missing person

for that missing person
for that missing person
for that missing person

- ooohs -

Ending Chorus:
There was a boy who had the faith to move a mountain
And like a child he would believe without a reason
Without a trace he disappeared into the void and
I’ve been searching…
He used to want to try to walk the straight and narrow
He had a fire and he could feel it in the marrow
Its been a long time and I haven’t seen him lately but
I’ve been searching for that missing person

Where are you? Where are you?
Where are you? Where are you?
I’ve been searching (Where are you?)
For that person (Where are you?)
Where are you?
__________________________

9:17 AM - It’s the end of the song that hurts more than other parts, though the other parts are locked on site.
Hearing Him call out “Where are you?” though the voice of another. Just like he did nearly 9 years ago.
Maybe this isn’t for anyone but me, but then maybe it is, so I’ll leave it in and post it like I have the rest of my thoughts, feelings and realizations. I’ve repeated the song several times now in some sort of cleansing routine, playing it then his version of Agnus Dei (I believe he wrote it, actually).
I was set up. I just realized it. The songs “I” picked for the morning were, in order: “Tea and Sympathy” by Jars of Clay, “Hey You, It’s Me!” by Michael W. Smith, “Missing Person” by Michael W. Smith and then finally “Agnus Dei” by Michael W. Smith.
Music is the freeway to the soul and spirit; at least within me.
The shocks have stopped.
Completely.
Explain that to me and try NOT to include God into the equation. You’ll fail.

To make my point, here are the 4 song’s lyrics in order so you might read them all the way through see what I mean by a spiritual set up:

Lyrics to “Tea and Sympathy”

Fare thee well
Trade in all our words for tea and sympathy
Wonder why we tried, for things that could never be
Play our hearts lament, like an unrehearsed symphony
Not intend
To leave this castle full of empty rooms
Our love the captive in the tower never rescued
And all the victory songs
Seem to be playing out of tune

But it's not the way
That it has to be
Don't trade our love for tea and sympathy
'Cause it's not the way
That it has to be

You begin
And all your words fall to the floor and break like china cups
And the waitress grabs a broom and tries to sweep them up
I reach for my tea and slowly drink in

[Chorus:]
'Cause it's not the way
That it has to be
Don't trade our love for tea and sympathy
'Cause it's not the way
That it has to be
Don't trade our love for tea and sympathy
So fare thee well
Words the bag of leaves that fill my head
I could taste the bitterness and call the waitress instead
She holds the answer, smiles and asks one teaspoon or two

[Chorus x 2]
Don't trade us for tea and sympathy
Don't trade us for tea and Sympathy
We can work it out
Don't trade us for tea and Sympathy
Don't trade us for tea and Sympathy
We can work it outDon't trade us for tea and Sympathy
We can work it out
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lyrics to “Hey You, It’s Me”

Hey you
Things to do
Live the life for faith and family
It’s tough
With all that stuff
Filling your head

We know
The undertow
Could get us so we don’t remember, but
Lest we ever
Lest we ever forget

Hey you, it’s me
True lovers are we
Children under the sun
Two spirits in the name of one

Hey me
Got to be
Places to go and people there to see
No space
For back to base
And no time at all

We talk
Walk the walk
Run the race
And climb the ladder, but
If we ever
If we ever should fall

Hey you, it’s me
True lovers are we
Children under the sun
Two spirits in the name of one

Bridge:
Sometimes the smoke clears
And I see things how they are
I see how we have come so far
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Missing Person”

Another question in me
One for the powers that be
Its got me thrown and so
I put on my poker face

And try to figure it out
This undeniable doubt
A common occurrence
Feeling so out of place

Guarded and cynical now
Cant help but wondering how
My heart evolved into a
Rock beating inside of me

So I reel, such a stoic ordeal
Where’s that feeling that I don’t feel?

Chorus:
There was a boy who had the faith to move a mountain
And like a child he would believe without a reason
Without a trace he disappeared into the void and
I’ve been searching for that missing person

Under a lavender moon
So many thoughts consume me
Who dimmed that glowing light
That once burned so bright in me
Is this a radical phase
A problematical age
That keeps me running
From all that I used to be

Is there a way to return
Is there a way to unlearn
That carnal knowledge
That’s chipping away at my soul

Have I been gone too long
Will I ever find my way home?

Chorus:
There was a boy who had the faith to move a mountain
And like a child he would believe without a reason
Without a trace he disappeared into the void and
I’ve been searching for that missing person
He used to want to try to walk the straight and narrow
He had a fire and he could feel it in the marrow
Its been a long time and I haven’t seen him lately but
I’ve been searching for that missing person...
for that missing person
for that missing person
for that missing person
- ooohs -

Ending Chorus:
There was a boy who had the faith to move a mountain
And like a child he would believe without a reason
Without a trace he disappeared into the void and
I’ve been searching…
He used to want to try to walk the straight and narrow
He had a fire and he could feel it in the marrow
Its been a long time and I haven’t seen him lately but
I’ve been searching for that missing person

Where are you? Where are you?
Where are you? Where are you?
I’ve been searching (Where are you?)
For that person (Where are you?)
Where are you?
____________________________________________________

“Agnus Dei” (Live version)

Alleluia, alleluia
For the lord God almighty reigns
Alleluia, alleluia
For the lord God almighty reigns
Alleluia

Holy, holy are you lord God almighty
Worthy is the lamb
Worthy is the lamb
You are holy, holy are you lord God almighty
Worthy is the lamb
Worthy is the lamb
Amen

-repeats in various orders-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What will the rest of the day hold?

Some shocks just now returned (10:14 AM)...the reprieve was a blessing while it was mine.

I’m done for now.
-w