Monday, The New Day

Monday, November 27, 2006

Today was a productive day, though it was filled with reasonable highs and pretty tough lows, at least internally anyway.

Yesterday was spent mostly on the couch because I was too weak to do much else and had to use the cane everywhere I went, starting in the morning. That sucks. Yesterday was the price for Saturday, I guess. I’m wiser for it now, but am frustrated that a good day has now to be paid for in pain the following day. It does not bode well for considerations of being very active very often at this point. Growl and sigh.

The G3 videos came today and I’m listening to John Petrucci at the moment. I listened to some of one of the videos earlier and learned that Vai and Satriani were grade school friends and grew up together in Long Island. Satriani was the only guitar teacher in Vai’s part of town, so Vai took lessons from Satriani way early on. That piece of history explained the visible connection between the two of them when they jam together and how Vai looks to him and responds to his playing. Somewhat a missing puzzle piece that I now have. Cool info.
Mom and dad went back home today after staying from Friday and helping us in many ways. Much progress was made in house work, yard work and some home repair that I have been unable to manage for obvious reasons and CC has been alone in most ways in her efforts on the home front since I’m currently limited in my abilities and the kids can be only “so” productive before their efforts actually create a reverse effect as they begin to play instead of clean…

We spoke to MedicAlert today and they confirmed the changes on the bracelet and will be turning it around shortly, so that’s a good thing.

We also saw my Neurologist today and both CC and I feel confident he is truly in our corner and is trying to expedite my care. He has asked me to begin a different, new medication for nerve pain called Lyrica (Pregabalin). He wants to see if it helps with the invading pain. If not that, then he wants me to try Gabipenton (sp) also called Neurontin (sp), which is the pain med Nana is on, via patch. I can’t be certain of the spelling of the last two names, oh well. I’m hopeful the new med will be more aggressive in helping me sleep and not be distracted throughout the day by pain hits in the various battle-zones already hit (shoulder, neck, lower back, right leg, hips, etc.)
The new med’s a good thing but another dose of reality that this all is really happening and that I really am struggling with a real issue, real disease and that it isn’t going away after a good night’s sleep. Depression kicked back-in, part way through the appt. as I saw the picture again that there really is an issue at hand again. No sooner had we begun to drive home from the appointment and I felt like I could only bow my head in acceptance that another emotional battle was lost against this invisible physiological foe, when I feel the soothing hand of my wife upon my head and neck, and her words of encouragement reminding me of the victories from the doctor appointment and the opportunity to actually stop trying to get better, so to speak and let my body rest now that the clock is no longer ticking against me, as it has been for a couple weeks. I could hear its ticking in my head as I laid awake at night in the hospital bed and even when I was at home on my couch and in my bed. My mind’s drive to be producing is relentless, apparently, and I feel like I’m slacking when I’m resting, like I should be “doing something”. I guess my heart understands but my mind refuses to accept it…or the other way around. This is harder than when my back broke because at least then I could see the X-ray and the CT scan film and see the broken bones and logic was dominant in my acceptance of the malady facing me. This fight is with something I can’t see, I can’t touch, hold or kick, but instead, it can strike me in my sleep, when I stand, sit or walk. It can strike when I’m on stage playing guitar (which happened during summer camp) and it seems to win each battle it wages. We are able to stop it after it strikes, but we cannot prevent it from terrorizing my children and wife. I find myself furious with this and yet, what does that yield? More muscle pain and a headache.
I don’t see dead people (quote backhanded/reversed from a movie)…I just see darkness a lot. Light seems to have to be pursued more than not.

Another victory was in our back yard in that SeanO, a very good buddy of mine for many, many years came by with his bride and they helped clear out the back yard of the debris and branches that have sat, untouched for weeks, needing to be taken to the dump in a series of trips with a trailer of sorts. Thanks to Sean and Tiffany, most of the remaining debris is gone. My dad took the majority of it away while he was here, using my cousin’s trailer.

I’ve been corresponding with a very good friend from the Bay Area who is a superb guitarist and checking out his work he’s been creating at home. That’s been a really good focus for me and has proven to be a stoking force on my musical embers, so to speak. I’m hopeful to go by work tomorrow and pick up my guitars and pedal control (even if I can only carry one at a time) and bring them home and set them up so I can play more. Our house doesn’t offer much in the way of space for the music work, but perhaps I can be creative. If I can begin to get creative in music again, then I can vent on a completely different level than simple writing will allow.

Thanks for being there (here).